how the heck is it the 13th already

I just keep losing days. I don't know where they go. Is there some elf who comes in during my sleep and steals Tuesdays? Somehow tomorrow is Thursday and I don't know where the week went. Ack! Maybe if I had a routine, any routine, I'd feel more grounded. For now I feel like the days are slipping through my hands and i am just trying to keep up. Remember holding on to the parachute in gym class and runnning as fast as you could until kids started flying off? That's what I feel like right now. Slow down life!

Ack! I work at a bowling alley!

Ugh! My mom finally did it. She got me into the bowling alley after 20 years of resistance on my part. I don't even bowl. I have always HATED it. Mainly because it is a passion of my stepfather's. Ok, so I'm a little ODD. Opposisitional that is, well, I am odd too. The strange this is that I love it. Eh, I still am not crazy about bowling but I love having fun. I love playing with the crazy cast of characters that revolve around that place. I love getting out of the house and then coming home at 5 am to nurse my baby as he wakes. How cool is it that I am getting paid to hang out at a bar every friday and saturday night.

You girls out Havertown way should come by some weekend and see me! Wynnewood Lanes on Haverford Road.

I did it

I finally filed some of the paperwork from my Dad's death and funeral. It has been sitting in the bag from the funeral home, on a shelf for nearly a year now. It hurt everytime I looked at that bag. So tonight while I sit here being insomniac girl I decided to clean my office. A weight has been lifted off of me. I don't have to see that everytime I go to sew now.

WW_D?

So I have this little button that says, "What would Buddha do?" It's a cute little twist on the WWJD bracelets. I wear it sometimes half as a joke and half as a reminder. One day, not too long ago, I was having a rotten day. My son had peed on the floor for the fourth time that day. My other son had dumped an entire can of cashews on the floor and was rolling in it and I was in absolute meltdown. My dear husband thinks he has the answer. He says with a sarcastic tone, "What would Buddha do, Honey?" He thought he had nailed me; that these words of wisdom would flow down on me and soothe my angry beast. He must not know much of the Buddha story. I turned and said, "He'd abandon his family and go live in the woods somewhere, do not tempt me!" He hasn't tried that line again.

Do I even exist anymore?

Or have I been reduced to nothing more than a set of boobs. Sometimes I wonder. I don't seem to do anything other than nurse a toddler all day. Special days come and go without a card or a gift. For example, the 4 year anniversary of quitting smoking, my 9 year wedding anniversary, my 31st birthday. Hell, at this point I'd settle for an e-card. Something.

UU and the Working Class

I just finished reading a great article on how class relates to UU. But having been written by a professional it seems to miss the point. It's a start though.

I am UU. Unitarian Universalist that is. And I am very much working class. I find that being both of those things is such a struggle. How can I honor my place in the world and still go to a church every Sunday that feels I need to be improved. I mean sure, I am welcomed. They'll have me but do they really want me. Do these professionals really want their children to see that you can be happy without a college education. Blasphemy!

The college educated always seem to think that the rest of us want to be just like them. I fear not. I've lived on both sides of the tracks. I was born in New Castle, DE to a plumber and a waitress. They both sold drugs to make ends meet and my mom did them in order to stay awake for her graveyard shifts. I was supposed to be the "one". The one who was good, the one who stayed off of drugs, the one who went to college and the one who got a career rather than a job. All of this was pounded into my head before kindergarten even began. My goal in life was college. I had to go. There was no other option. I was a stressed out, straight-A, train wreck of a kid. That kid who freaked about every test and then got 100's. My life was pointed straight towards college. To further that end, my Mom left my Dad at some point and moved to Havertown, PA to live amongst the middle class. The Main Line. The only main line I had ever heard of had to do with heroin. She lauded the schools, had me choose between my father and her. Pointed out the pros and cons of the two school systems. I would never get into a good school with a Delaware education. I needed to move to Pennsylvania. It was so clear. So I left my home and moved to a strange land. Being low class and living side by side with "rich kids" does something to your self esteem. I went from being top of the class to mediocre. I went from normal to poor. My situation hadn't changed any. We had just as much money as we always had. It's just that my perspective changed. Suddenly I had to compete with the sons of doctors and lawyers. Suddenly my clothes and hair and shoes were not good enough, could never be good enough. It destroyed me.

I never did end up going to college. Kids like me didn't go to college. In Delaware all of the kids were like me. Some made it and some didn't. In Pennsylvania, only the rare few of us working class kids made it out. Instead I took a few years off and then joined the Air Force when it became clear to me that 19 year old cashiers don't get very much in this world. There I became a computer programmer. I have the equivalence of a degree in IT. That's fine for jobs but when it comes down to it, I never went to college and I will always be less in some peoples eyes because of it.

I have straddled the class fence for 20 years. I have never fit in either category. So where does that leave me. I am not a professional. I personally love waitressing. Love it. My mom did too and now she loves bartending. Does that make us less than someone who loves engineering? Does that make me any less liberal religiously? I know plenty of people who could be served by a liberal religion. Who could be UU if UU was more about the spirit and less about liberal politics couched as religion. I think UU needs to look long and hard at itself and see if it is speaking to a universal condition or just an upper class one.

Blog? What's a blog?

My goodness! Has it really been nearly 3 months? Where have I been? All over. We joined the pool again this year. The major difference between this year and last is my license. That's right, I can drive. And, boy, do I drive. I have not been home since the day I got it. I've driven to Ohio twice this summer. I put money down on a house only to back out after inspections. Oliver is talking and Nathan has a best friend. The boys have blossomed socially at the pool. They have confidence that they didn't have before. I've found a forum that feels like home, drama and all. All in all, Life is good.

So i have been notified that I am not poasting ofeten enough. I haven't. It seems that since my dad died I've just been getting by. I'm living in a constant state of reaction. Things are settling a little. It's just that busy time of yeatr. I'm going to the shrink, have those silly parenting classes, church, swim lessons. Argh! There's not enough time in the day.

So for 3 weeks I had this guy here doing work on the house for me. What a mistake!!!!! Not only does he do horrible work but it turns out that he's a heroin addict! For Pete's sake! I guess that explains why he did beautiful work the first day (broke) but got sloppier as time went on(had money/drugs) i feel liek an idiot.

dead people suck!

Ok, so one of my trademark Dani insensitive remarks is ,"Dead people suck, don't be a sucker!" I'm thinking of making a t-shirt. Really, they do though. I simply can't stand dead people. Dead babies, forget about it. Ugh! But you know what really, truly, without a doubt sucks? DYING people. They are even worse! And boy do I know. I have had more than my fair share. My brother was dying for 6 years. Death. I am at peace with it but it is just so damned messy. It just hurts. Everywhere and at such random moments.

Today is my brother's 27th birthday. It is his first without my Dad. First's suck. Tonight my stepmother called. All those years my Dad didn't think they had long distance. All those years he didn't even try to call. Tonight she thought it might be Timmo's birthday and she decided to just try. She didn't think the call would actually go through but she dialed anyway. It went through. Can you believe that? They have long distance. @#$@#! So she wished Timmo a Happy Birthday and then called me. I bought her a pair of earrings a few weeks after Dad died and mailed them to her. I never knew if she had received them or liked them. She says that she wears them 4 or 5 times a week. That they make her feel beautiful and loved. Hearing her voice makes me want to talk to Daddy. I just want to say where is he, put him on. I miss him.

responsibility

I am so freaking tired of people not taking any damned responsibility for themselves! I am into homebirth. But when you opt to have a homebirth you have to give up some things too. You have to give up the convenience of eating poorly, you can't rely on somebody else advice anymore. You are taking the responsibility on yourself. One of the reasons that homebirth is so safe is that the women who homebirth are more educated (about birth and in general) and are healthier. We live a healthier lifestyle. Now anybody who looks at me can see that I am fat. I am obviously not perfect. But I try my darnedest. I eat mostly veggies and protein. I am not out eating McDonald's every night. I could work out more but I digress. When I was pregnant I educated myself on what exactly I needed to eat in order to be the healthiest I could be. When my sugar looked funky I immediately cut out ALL sugar. I took my midwife's advice but I also did the research myself. I wasn't relying on her as my sole source of information. She was just one piece of the puzzle. She was one reference. I bought over 20 books. And read them over and over. I know more about birth than some OB's. Heck, who am I kidding, MOST. No I can't give a c-section or an episiotomy but I could deliver my own baby or yours if need be.

What really makes me mad are women who want to have it all. They want to be typical lazy Americans who don't eat well, exercise or follow doctor's orders but at the same time they want to have a homebirth. When you do that you are not just putting yourself at risk you are putting the entire institution of midwifery at risk. You are risking my next homebirth, and your midwife's career - not to mention her freedom. Either you take the responsibility on yourself or you submit to the doctor. You can't have it both ways.

Tuesdays wiht Morrie

Last night HunnyBunny and I stayed up till after 1am to watch Tuesdays with Morrie. We read the book about a year ago and it really touched HunnyBunny. Yea, it touched me too. But he read it first and I hadn't been even planning to pick it up for a while. He insisted that I read it. Right away! Dontcha just love Morrie? Dontcha want to just hug him? It make me think again about moving to be closer to HunnyBunny's Dad. We've already lost one grandfather and I would like my boys to know their other one. My family here is never going to change. They don't visit us now so what's going to change in the future. Maybe if we moved we would see more of them. Of course I'm not going to make that decision anymore. HunnyBunny has to decide if he wants to start over in a new job. I don't really care where we live. It would just be nice for the boys to know their Pappaw. He loves them so much and desperately wants us there. Can you believe we were supposed to move almost a year ago? Can you believe that HunnyBunny hasn't finished updating his resume yet?

Rotovirus sucks!

What a week we have had over here! On Sunday Piglet got a horrible stomach flu. Throw-up everywhere!!!! Then Monday night Monkey got it and a few hours later HunnyBunny. Tuesday night it finally caught up with me. Oh my goodness. That was not fun! I seemed to have the least of it. By Wednesday Piglet was better but I was at my worst. But guess who had to watch him anyway? Me. Why are men so damned useless sometimes. Ok. I know that isn't exactly fair. HunnyBunny had a huge startup for a project at work on Tuesday which he missed so he had to play catch-up. But damn it he could've put him in the sling and carried him. Or hired a nanny. Or I don't know. I just sure didn't feel like entertaining super-happy-baby, who doesn't watch T.V. by the way. Ugh! How exactly did I turn Monkey into a T.V. zombie? Oh that's right, HunnyBunny did.

Oh Boy! Am I ever bitchy today!

Last night I got my first period since May 2003. I have been pregnant or nursing since then. I still am but it decided to come back anyway. Fertility has returned. It is so weird for me to have a period. I mean seriosly we're talking 4 years now.

It's such a big thing for me but who do you tell? Should I email all of the Flyladies? The East Coast Mamas? Do I call HunnyBunny at work? Does anybody really give a shit? No not really. HunnyBunny's response was, "shudder". Thanks asshole. Way to make a girl feel sexy. I'm excited. I feel I just got my first cycle all over again. Except DAd isn't here to hand over a $20 and say, " Good Job!"

where did february go?

Wow, my last post about real life was ground hog's day. crap! i lost a whole month. i had to take monkey to the doctor's today. he has been complaining of a tummy ache for nearly a week now. I mean waking up screaming at night with, "i hurt!" I have called the doc twice and tonight she agreed to check him just in case. What the hell is wrong with pediatricians? Are they not the most insufferably patronizing people around? Like I'm too stupid to realize that yes, this is most likely constipation. However i want YOU to make sure I'm not missing something. I'm not some freak with Munchhausen by proxy. I just want my kid to stop screaming.

Oh and get this! They wanted me to fill out a blanket consent form. ya know, just in case both of us are unavailable and they need to treat him for something, blah, blah, steal you rights, blah. um, can you say NO! I crosed out the form and wrote refused consent. If there really is something that dire I'm my mother would be able to handle it. I am not giving some freaking doctor's office the right to do whatever the hell they want to my sons. No way! I can see it now, Oh while we were in there we just gave him every shot we have and put him on adderal. La la la. And the other mother in the office didn't even question the form, didn't even READ it!!!! How could she just sign her rights away? I guess so many people have that doctor knows best complex. Not me.

What a fucking difference 2 weeks makes

I feel like I have been through the wringer. I am beat. Now I got the money fights to go through. And the divying up of his crap. Man, I do not feel like dealing with that. I'm so conflicted about my Aunt's role in all of this. She has helped us out so much but she has also been a complete pain in the ass too. She's a control freak! Ok, I know I lost it. I know that I called her and Linda up and told them they needed to handle the funeral arrangements. But that doesn't mean that I need her to bother Linda for my Dad's stuff. Could you imagine going through the horror of you DH killing himself and then having his family swoop in like vultures? Fuck that. I'm giving Linda time to say goodbye. I can wait to get the things that mean something to me. I still need time as well.

The fund raiser was a bust. Nobody showed up. The plan was to raise at least $4000. I think we might be able to raise $2000. Oh well. That'll pay back the couple of people who helped pay for the funeral and then buy Timmo's ticket and hotel in Arizona.

good quote

A quote I found recently makes me smile, and there's a lot of truth to it: "Three Wise Women would have… Asked directions; Arrived on time; Helped deliver the baby; cleaned the stable; Made a casserole; Brought practical gifts; and There would be peace on Earth."

Hang in there....

Are you kidding me? I know you all mean well but seriously, my Dad HUNG himself. I am laughing about it, a little. I mean I do have a sense of humor.

Aaaaaacccccckkkkk!!!! I don't think I can deal.

Anyway, I cannnot count the number of times I have been told to "Hang in there" or "Hang on" by well wishers this week. I'm not really sure what my point is. I just had to post this to get it off of my chest.

The problem with posting before the thought is finished

What I meant to say was that i have had those days. Remember when i had that bad patch with postpartum depression? I did seek help. i had a therapist this summer. i had to leave him in November because he wasn't taking me seriously. He had just downgraded my condition to mild depression when I was still feeling horribly depressed. He didn't get me. I am looking for a new therapist but I need a very specific doctor. I just haven't felt up to the legwork involved in finding a new shrink.

As for myself, I could not ever kill myself. I know the pain that it would cause my family. My goal in life is to reduce suffering not increase it. One of the ironies of this, and there are many, is that I always resisted suicide because i knew that if I did then my Dad would. I just couldn't be responsible for his death. Well, look. He went and did it without my help. There are a lot of things I have done, good and bad, to please my father. I have kept some major secrets from him to protect him.

Well, now that I don't have to worry about him I am going to face my main demon. Why can i now forgive my family? Is it because I no longer have anything to hide? I would have kept my secrets till my grave in order to spare him pain. He now never has to know what happened to me. That alone brings me peace.

I don't know what to say about my father. i am so mad. Not only at him but at myself. At everything. I am mad at life. i guess he was too. I am angry at him for stealing my boys' grandfather. I am mad at him for not giving me the chance to hear his voice again. I am just plain mad.

The books say that every person touched by this will feel guilty in some way. If only I had done that one thing. The truth is that nobody knew how sad my father was. For the past 20 years my father has struggled to get through the day. I cannot imagine the courage it took to get up and face each day living with that pain. I guess he just ran out of hope.

There are days when I hurt so badly that I do not want to live. But I have always resisted the temptation because I would not want to hurt my family.

He's gone

In the end we decided against donating his organs for multiple reasons. This turned out to be the best decision for everybody. I think my people needed to watch him die. We did. We kept him on life support until my Aunt Joann got there. He had to fight to stay alive that long. He was there and he was aware. It was weird/scary/beautiful. He cried. When one of us would start to talk to him about something his breathing would change. Like he would start to sob. When my mom played one of their songs to him he started cried again. It was a beautiful end. i did not know that my brother was horrified about the organ donation. he was tearing himself up about them cutting my father while he was still alive. Yes, we understand what braindeath is butTimmo feels that if he is alive then his spirit is still present. It was killing Tim. When I made the decision to withdraw support I called Tim and asked if he wanted to come back with me. He nearly didn't. But it was so perfect. When we got there they had removed some of the tubes already. He looked so much better. he looked peaceful today.
Tim laid out pictures of Daddy and made everything warm and cozy and special. My broter is a special person.

Let me tell you why Daddy was so peaceful today. Daddy was a non-practicing Catholic. He believed that he was going to hell. When he hung himself he felt that his pain was so great that hell was worth the risk. Poor Daddy. Wel my Aunt jean is an Evangelical Christian and went home last night and researched. She called a few pastors and decided that even suicide must be forgivable. Seh was going to tell him this. On her way back into the room today she bumped into thr other family that had been with us the whole time. it turns out that one of those women is a pastor. She and my aunt went in a prayed over my father. they told him that he was forgiven and he relaxed. It was literally as if a wave washed over him. Jeanie says that God was in that room and gave him peace.

James Timothy White I died on 2/6/2007 surrounded by his friends and family

i'm going to go bed now

Being strong and saying goodbye

It is 444am and I just got home from the hospital. As of now he is still alive. We expect him to become brain dead in the next day or so. At that point his organs will be harvested and then we will get his body and start funeral arrangements. We will most likely have a memorial service and wake all in The Bar. He lived there so he might as well die there too. Ray, the owner, has said The Bar is mine. I can do whatever I want, everything's free. The president of the Pagans has offered his help and services. I will have Pagan bikers acting as "bouncers" for the funeral and wake. That is a huge load off of my shoulders. I suppose I will have to run interfeaarnce between al of the girlfriends and wives. I am making sure Linda is honored as his wife. She was with him for the past 8 years and wears his ring. My mother agrees with this. There is a girlfriend as well who feels "special". I will be kind but I feel that Linda put up with him, she found him, she loved him, she is his wife. I don't know this girlfriend at all.

People are getting upset because I am not breaking down in front of them. They want me to show more emotion, they wnat me to be like them. i'm not that way. i am a private person. I need time and space to think. When i get here, when I was alone with Daddy I cried, I yelled. But as long as there is someone for me to be strong for I will be. They bred me for this and they get upset that i am who I am.

update

I'm heading out to the hospital. My brother and I are goi ng to pull the ventilator when we get there. Pray.

guilt vs. regret

i want to clarify that I do not feel guilty. I do not feel that I am responsible for his actions. I just feel regret that I didn't get to talk to him one more time. It's just a selfish need for connection. Beleive me I know that I could not have done anything for him. I realized that many years ago.

This is a relief in many ways. They say that suicide many times is. He will be at peace soon. The past 16 years have been extra as far as I'm concerned. In 1991 he attempted a murder/suicide. That's what he went to prison for. Once that happened I figured that someday he really would do it. It was just a matter of time.

Death and babies continued

When I found out that I was pregnant with Piglet I called my father to tell him. We had been fighting but I still wanted him to know. When he picked up the phone he said , "Hi, Bitch." I told him the news and then ended the conversation. I did not speak to him again until Christmas, 2 weeks before Piglet was born. I have spoken to him a few times since then but have not seen him since Christmas 2005.

He was angry with me over a truck that I gave him. See, I knew that he needed a truck and I had one that I didn't want or need. I gave him the truck and the title. I thought he had a license. He drove that truck for 2 1/2 years without a license, insurance, tags, anything. Then he got caught. They impounded the truck and since he could not find the title he could not touch anything in it. He had a few thousand dollars worth of tools in it. He wanted, no expected, me to get it out of impound and give it back to him. Since he had never transferred it into his name it was still legally mine. But since we didn't have a copy of the title I couldn't do anything. In order to even see it I was going to have to pay. I was so mad that I didn't do anything. I just left it there.

I was so tired of being emotionally manipulated by him. I was so tired of having to be responsible for him. I have been his keeper for forever.

Death and babies

I woke up this morning to my babie nursing. For one small second it felt like a normal morning. The sun is shining, I was holding my baby and all is right with the world. Then it came back to me. This child, this baby will never meet his grandfather. He will never even feel the touch of his grandfather. And that folks is my fault. I have had plenty of oppurtunity to visit my father over the past year. I put it off andput it off until there was no more time. Yes, he could ave visited me too.

The details

Just so you know, this is not a big surprise. I am not shocked. This was an eventuality that finally arrived. My father has been promising to kill himself since I was in diapers. My Dad has been seriously mentally ill for a long, long time.

Linda, his fiance, came home from the store and found my Dad hanging from the kitchen doorway. She cut him down and cut the rope from his neck. She called 911 and they walked her through CPR. When the paramedics got there they had to shock him to get his heart started again. He left a note. It read, "I love you all. I'm sorry. Don't revive me." They took him to the hospital and started interrogating her.

We found out by accident. A neighbor saw the commotion and went over and talked to one of the EMT's. He called a friend who happened to live next to my Grandfather (maternal) who then called my Mother. I was calling her to joke about her Super Bowl party when I found out.

I called my step-sister, Stacey who works at Christiana to see if she knew anything. At this point we didn't know if he was alive or not. He was not in the system at the hospital yet so we had no information. I hear Linda thought he was dead. She never made it to the hospital.

They think he was hanging for 15 minutes. But I guess that was long enough. He did not break his neck but he has a lot of greyed out spots on his brain. The resident says that the CAT scan tomorrow will most likely show even more extensive damage.

Right now he is over breathing the ventilator. Meaning he is on a vent but still breathing on his own some. But he cannot protect his airway. Meaning he cannot clear his throat. If we remove him from the vent he will eventually die from accumulated fluids in his throat. Ah, irony. I finally get irony. Irony sucks. My brother died from an accumulation of fluids in his esophagus. My Dad was depressed about my brother's birthday which he thought was today. He was off by a month. Ryan's birthday was last month on the 4th.

I stayed at the hospital until 12 am waiting to talk to the neurosurgeon. Timmo sent me home to my babies. My brother, Tim, is staying at the hospital. I don't think he is going to leave until my father does.

For now we have him listed as a DNR1. If he codes again we do not want him resuscitated. So now we wait.

Suicide is painless for who?

The person? Their family? The nurses and doctors?

And what happens if you don't die you stupid motherfucker! Do you burden your kids with the task of finishing the job for you? What the FUCK!?

My dad committed suicide. Yesterday. No, he's not dead yet but he will be soon. I got to touch my dad's warm flesh one more time before he goes. At least he gave me that. I didn't have to touch him cold. Yet. In the next couple of days my brother and I will have to make the decision to take him off of the ventilator. I want to wait for my Aunt Joann to come home. I want to give her the chance to say goodbye.

He's not braindead. Right now he has brain stem activity. Meaning he is breathing a little on his own and has a little gag reflex. Other than that, nothing. I just watched a nurse rub my dad's cornea with a paper towel and his didn't even twitch. There's nothing there.

I am angry and sad and regretful. Everyone says not to blame myself but I do in a very small part.

It's Groundhog Day!

Hooray! The silliest holiday of the year. We plan to celebrate by going up to the field and looking in the groundhog hole. I doubt we'll see him. I hear that they drag Punxatawney Phil out of his hole.

Sunday School

Well at my church they call it RE or Religious Education. Blah. How formal. Anyway, Monkey was supposed to start in the preschool today. He was having none of it. He got upset when we started to walk in a different deirection than the nursery. He did like the room. It was nice with lots of letters and numbers on the walls. Monkey is currently learning his ABC's and loves letters. I'm not even sure how he wil do in a structured enviroment.

He ended up in the nursery again. We'll try again this week.

Catching up

Life is so hectic sometimes.

Thursday and Friday HunnyBunny had to come home early from work to take Monkey to the doctor's office. For a few months now Monkey has been having eating issues. He's been eating less and less and complaining of his stomach hurting. He has had some other symptoms as well. HunnyBunny thought they were all unrelated but my Spidey sense was tingling so I decided it was time to take him in. We go to our family doctor and he says , "No way. Take him to a pediatrician." I am so scared that he has Celiac disease. All of these problems appeared when we added bread to our diet. Somebody say a prayer! I do not want my baby to have this. The pediatrician wants to test for parasites first but her next step is a Celiac panel. It scares me but I was sure glad to have my fears validated.

Oh and while all this is going on what happens to me? I get a toothache. On a Friday night! Arggghhh! Why do these things always happen on the weekend. I was going to try to ride it out. It was just a toothache right? Hell, no! Saturday morning I woke up and it was starting to throb. Now I can take pain but it got so bad that I couldn't think. It got so bad that I called my Mom. I haven't been talking to my Mom. We don't really get along and she just makes me plain miserable. But one good thing about Mom? She has a handy supply of pain killers. This should explain just how much pain I was in. Hah, was, I still am. I hate breaking the law. I hate when people offer me their medicine. I never take it. But today I went running to Mommy and begged, "Give me some drugs!!!!!!" She did and you know what else she did for me? She put in an emergency call to the dentist whose office is next door to her house. He came in to work on my tooth. Heads up Havertown ladies, Dr. Bruce Bottomley rocks! He came into the office at 4 pm on a Saturday to fix my tooth for me. It turns out I have an abscess and need a root canal and crown. So now I'm on mega antibiotics and oxycodone. Great!

So that's my weekend. Today Monkey starts in the preschool class for Sunday school if we make it to church.

What not to get your wife for Valentines's Day

Last year I got a computer moniter. Granted it was a lovely flat screen model but it's a friggin computer accessory. HunnyBunny has to be the LEAST romantic man alive. The last time he bought me something "romantic" was years ago. And it turns out that those were just impulse buys because he passed the store every day on the way to lunch. I mean literally walked past it. I don't think I'm asking for much. Just a little effort on his part.

I was talking about this to HunnyBunny the other day and he asked what he got me last year. I told him and he congratulated himself. He seriously needs a clue. I guess these are the kinds of gifts he wants from me.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Exclamation points! I love exclamation points!!!!! I know that they are a huge writing faux pas but I just absolutely love them!!!!!!! I was reading something last night and they were talking about how exclamation points make you sound like a teenybopper. Well, so be it.

I have a hard time expressing myself with emotion in writing. I always feel that I am coming off very clinical. I tend to overthink when writing and underthink when talking. I say some pretty dumb things. But that's me and why y'all love me right?

Trace wrote something the other day about my dark side. I don't really think that I am such a dark person, anymore. As a kid and especially in my teens I enjoyed shocking people with my damage. I have grown out of that I hope. It was mainly a reaction to moving to an area where everybody was in a higher socio-economic class than me. Most of the kids in my school were "rich" and had good families. I had all of this crap going on and then to be the poor kid on top of it made me act out.

My past is in the past though. I have a wonderful life with my husband and two boys. We have a nice house and have everything that we need. There is no drama in my life that I don't create myself. I get jealous over imaginary people. I imagine that other women have wonderful realtionships with their families. That other Moms have doting grandparents to help with the kids. I think about people who talk to their brothers and sisters and know their nephews. I get down sometimes because I am not the perfect Mother that I so want to be. I find myself yelling at the boys or getting mad a petty things and remind myself of my mothers. Two women who I really do not want to emulate.

No, for the most part, I am a happy woman. ( I should have used an exclamation point! tee hee)

Breasts of fire

My boobs are killing me!

Seriously, Piglet likes to twiddle one while he is nursing on the other. It is making me lose my mind. Like they are not sensitive enough but then he has to pinch them? Aaaack! Some days I quit breast feeding 5 times. I feel like I can't possibly put my breast into that gaping maw one more time. And then he looks up at me and giggle with a milky little grin and I melt.

Also, I'm cheap. That's a silly reason to breastfeed but formula costs almost $20 a can. That's crazy! Then there are all of those bottles and cleaning them, forget about it.

6 weird things about me

I take it that we are wanting quirky weird rather than sad and disturbing. As I am in a sad and disturbing mood this may take a little work.

1. I have no baseboards in my dining room. They were removed 3 years ago when I was painting the dining room and DH has not found the time to put up new ones yet.

2. When I was a child i used to be able to mimic exactly each of my cats meows. I can still do a passable cat impression. I fool my cats.

3. I have had 11 piercings in my life. 4 ear cartilage (done when it was radical), 4 regular ear, right nipple, tongue and nose. I don't wear any of them anymore. Not even earrings.

4. I still have the first stuffed animal that I ever got. He's a stuffed bear named Bartholomew that my Dad's friend, Lee Boyer, gave me when I was born. I slept with that bear until I moved in with HunnyBunny and now I let Monkey play with him

5. I get seasonal affective disorder. But only in the summer. I hate watching the days get shorter. I much prefer the winter when I have something to look forward to.

6. I never learned grammar in school (can you tell?). When I moved school districts I slipped through the cracks. In Delaware they taught it in 6th grade but in Pennsylvania they taught it in 5th grade. I didn't realize this until 12th grade when they did a refresher and I realized that I didn't know any of it.

There is that weird enough? I tag M-j.

Ghosts from my childhood

So tonight we're getting the boys ready for bed when the phone rings. Hunnybunny goes to answer it. There is a man on the phone asking for me and I hear him start to bristle. "Can I have a name?", I hear. He comes in and says that my cousin Shane is on the phone. What the heck? I haven't seen him in about 9 years and before that about another 10 years. I'm wondering if someone is dead. He just felt like saying hello. Weird!

Let me explain. Shane was my best friend growing up. You know how they talk about kissing cousins? That was us. If it wasn't illegal (and gross) to marry your first cousin then we probably would have married when we grew up. What the heck did I know? I was a little kid.

But anyway.... Shane was my closest friend and confidant until my mother stole us and moved us to Pennsylvania. I used to have a HUGE family. Growing up, I lived 5 houses from my grandparent's house and all of my cousins spent the entire summer there. All 10 of my cousins felt like brothers and sisters. Shane, Erin and I were about the same age( within months of each other). We three were inseparable.

The summer before I entered 6th grade my mom bought a house in Havertown. She decided that she was finally ready to take care of us and arranged to take us for the summer. Let me tell you, that was the most boring summer of my life! No pool, no beach. Blech! She decided (without consulting my Dad) that she was going to enroll us in school in PA. She had me break the news to my Dad that we weren't ever coming home. She tricked me into it. My Dad cried so hard. That was one of the most painful days of my life. To this day he blames me for choosing her over him. He just doesn't get that a 10 year old child cannot make that kind of decision.

I always hated my mom. She was never a part of my life. My mother worked graveyard shift at Denny's as a waitress and trainer. She slept all day and was gone all night. Then when Yimmit was about 1 she started travelling opening up new restaurants. What kind of mom leaves her 1 year old and 4 year old for weeks at a time? And I'm not getting down on working moms. I know some people have to do it. Mine CHOSE it. She's told me so. Then she left my Dad and left us with him. Again she says that she had to get out. She was so afraid of him. But if he was so dangerous then why did she leave her kids with him for another 6 years? You know why? Cause she didn't feel like dealing with us. She was too busy playing with her new boyfriend. My step father has known us since Yimmit was 2 but I still get comments like, "Oh, he's never been around children." What the F*** were we? Rabid dogs?

So she ripped us away from the state we were born and raised in just to hurt my Dad. Well, me not Yimmit. I don't think he even remembers Delaware. But in the process she took away my entire family. And did she move us to a place where there would be kids to play with? NO! She moved us to a major road so that my stepfather's business could be in their house.

Back then there was no Blue Route. It took an hour to an hour and a half to get from Havertown to New Castle. There were months that would go by without me even seeing my Dad. I never saw any of my cousins again. A year later my Grandfather died. A year after that my Grandmother died. The next year my dad and stepmother divorced, my brother died, and my dad lost the family business and his house. The next year my Dad went to prison.

I'm going to have nightmares tonight.

Oh my! I've been tagged!

0) What’s your name and website URL? (optional, of course)
Dani, Danielle, uh, it depends.
My blog's title is Random Musings of a Crazed Momma.
http://chipmunkmomma.blogspot.com/

1) What’s the most fun work you’ve ever done, and why? (two sentences max) Working on the Y2K Project with my DH when we were in the Air Force. It was the goofiest bunch of guys crammed into a closet sized room working 16 hours a day - we had a blast!

2) A. Name one thing you did in the past that you no longer do but wish you did? (one sentence max) I wish I had kept current with computer programming cause I miss having a marketable skill.

B. Name one thing you’ve always wanted to do but keep putting it off? (one sentence max) I still don't know how to drive.

3) A. What two things would you most like to learn or be better at, and why? (two sentences max) 1. I would love to learn how to play an instrument because I need music and never had the chance to as a child. 2. Being me, I'm still working on loving me and being my authentic self no matter what.

B. If you could take a class/workshop/apprentice from anyone in the world living or dead, who would it be and what would you hope to learn? (two more sentences, max) I hope the Dalai Lama would teach me how to achieve inner peace. I am such a raging turmoil inside and work continually to calm and heal myself.

4) A. What three words might your best friends or family use to describe you? serene, weird, thoughtful

B. Now list two more words you wish described you… sane, settled

5) What are your top three passions? (can be current or past, work, hobbies, or causes– three sentences max) birth: I am fascinated by birth in all forms, natural parenting, crafts

6) Write–and answer–one more question that YOU would ask someone (with answer in three sentences max) What do you feel your purpose is? I feel that my purpose in life is to give support to all people that I encounter. I try to help people know that they are seen and special. I guess I feel like a mother to everyone, I always have.

I love cloth diapers

So what did I do today? I washed up my brand new cloth diapers. Yay! I have been making do with infant sized ones for way too long. Turns out I had infant sized ones that are only supposed to last until about 6 months old. Piglet is a year! I bought a one and a half dozen large prefolds from www.integritydiapercompany.com. She has great prices and fantastic shipping. I ordered these Monday night and received them Thursday morning. As for the quality? These are very soft and quilted up nicely in only 3 washes and one dry.

Ok. So you made it this far. Are you wondering WHY I use cloth diapers? Well, to start with I am cheap. Monkey is totally disposable diapered.
I never even considered cloth. Ewww. Gross. But then $20 a week for diapers is just too much. So when Piglet came along I saw cloth diapers and thought, "Why not?" I bought a few and decided to give it a try. I LOVE them.

1. It costs $1.50/ diaper for prefold diapers that will last for all of your children. Depending on how often you wash you can get away with just 18 diapers and 2 covers. That's it. No more buying diapers ever.
2. They don't smell. You know that awful diaper smell that comes out of any diaper pail no matter how advanced? Nope. Don't have it. And I just use a 5 gallon bucket from True Value.
3. I also use cloth wipes. Soft flannel on baby's bum rather that chemically treated paper.
4. Piglet has never had diaper rash! Can you say that?
5. No crunchy sounding butts
6. There is nothing to compare the feeling of picking up a babe wearing a soft wool cover. They are all softness and chub.
7. No leaks! I have never had a cloth diaper leak.
8. No goopy gel or creepy chemicals on my babe's tush.
9. I never run out of diapers. If I was absolutely desparate I now know how to fashion one out of an old t-shirt and a garbage bag.
10. Fashion diapers.

My HunnyBunny is working late. It's almost 9:30 and he has been at work since 9 am. Poor Boy. This wasn't even a planned thing. His company seems to think they have slaves instead of employees. They start 3 projects at once and want all of them done ASAP. The reason he's working late tonight is because they decided at 5 pm that something just HAD to be done tonight. Something new. HunnyBunny had to design, code, test a whole process. He then had to wait for this person to drive from Langhorne to Pennsauken! Ugh! What a freaking waste of time. Now he's trying to show this guy how it works.

I wish HunnyBunny would get a new job. I know the IT market is tight but this is ridiculous. He never gets vacation. Every year he loses days at the end of the year. Ans even when he does take the day off, he spends it on the cell phone or his home computer working. The whole reason we have cable Internet is so he can work from home. I don't see why he doesn't expense it. I hate seeing him so stressed out. He's like a walking bomb. I'm so afraid that he's going to just explode one day and just walk out. I don't know what we'll do then.

Wordless Wednesday

TV Zombie

Why is everything with a 2 1/2 year old so hard?

Does every little thing have to be a fight? This child is so damned infuriating! And yes I know that this is what people are referring to when they say "Terrible Two's". He refuses to eat. So we find something that he WILL eat. He'll eat that for a few weeks and then quit. He fights waking up, getting dressed, eating, sleep, any directions. It drives me crazy.

So tonight I was tryig my best to get him to brush his teeth. This is something that he used to beg to do 6 times a day. Now I'm lucky if I can get him to do it once a day. Realy lucky. I decided to explain to him about the teeth bugs. See there are tiny little bugs on your teeth. They eat teeth and if we don't brush them off every day they will eat your teeth and make them hurt real bad. This tact has worked in the past but tonight he was having none of it. I tried showing him how Piglet was brushing his, I was brushing mine. No good. Finally I followed him into his room and asked "Why not? Why aren't you brushing your teeth?" Wanna know what he said? "I'm fighting Momma, I'm a mean guy." And then smiled. He's just messing with me. Argh! Then he said, "Momma kill those bugs" amd let me brush.

My turn...

My Peculiar Aristocratic Title is: Her Most Serene Highness Lady Danielle the Weary of Wimblish upon Frognaze Get your Peculiar Aristocratic Title

What a long, fun day we had today

We got up this morning at 7:30 to go to breakfast with my friends. We didn't get home until after 4 pm. Ugh! I hate being out all day. But today was a fantastic day.

We had breakfast at the Coffee Club. Wow, what a great place. It has lots of little conversation areas and artwork. It looks just like the coffee house that I had imagined we would own. I love seeing all of my online friends in real life. They are such a great group of women and I am not just saying that cause they might read this. We are such a diverse group brought together by Flylady. These women make me feel a little saner in this insane world. Through them I know that I am not the only woman who struggles with motherhood and being a wife. It is hard but doable. I find solace in them.

When we left there we walked around Media for a bit to enjoy the nice weather. Of course we had to pop into the toy store for Monkey and Piglet to play for a bit and ran into another friend. Maybe I won't move after all. I really like bumping into friends when I am out and about.

Then we drove to my Mother's house to pick up Piglet's birthday presents. She had 3 or 4 toys for him to open. That's right, more toys 2 weeks after Christmas. Double Ugh! And then she had a present for Monkey so he wouldn't be jealous. Not a tiny thing either. She bought the Melissa and Doug pizza set as a consolation gift. She drives me up a wall. I really do try to get along with her but I just bristle every time I get near her. Oh! One of the toys she had was something she bought from my friend's Discovery Toys Party. She bought something and then absolutely refused to go pick it up. Just unbelievable. She expected me to go get it for her because it was MY friend. She was going to wait me out too. I think she figured that I would be so embarrassed that I would go get it for her. My friend dropped it off to her. My friend with 5 little kids. HunnyBunny gave her hell for it. Both her and my stepfather hate when we visit. My stepfather makes it very clear that he wants nothing to do with us. We really want nothing to do with them so I don't know why I even bother. Yeah, yeah, it's so the kids can know at least of on their grandmothers. i think I'm just going to up and move to Montana. That's the most remote place I can think of right now.

OK. So the rest of our lovely day. After leaving my mom's we had lunch at Mesa Fresh. My boys can eat some rice and beans. I have never seen 2 kids who love beans so much. What a diet! Rice, beans, broccoli, chicken fingers, spinach, Chinese mixed veggies (even the mushrooms!) Then we walked around the shopping center. Ya! I got new yarn.

When we got back into the car Monkey started begging to go to the park. Any park. We ended up at the Tot Lot in Media. That turned out to be the highlight of our day. Piglet climbed right up the jungle gym and went down the slide headfirst. No fear there. Monkey had so many other kids to play with. He was in heaven. While there he met another boy who had the same name as him. Both boys thought that was just the coolest and became instant best friends.

As the sun was starting to set Piglet started to fade. I could tell he wanted to nurse but there was just too much activity for him to calm down. The last time he went down the slide he started crawling away. I watched to see where he was going. He crawled over to this couple who were sitting watching their daughter play. He started to pull himself up on the man's leg and then just climbed into his lap and laid his head on the man's shoulder! It was the cutest thing ever. (OK, and a little scary.) All of the parents looked over and chuckled. I wish I had a camera to capture the moment. For his part, the man was flattered and gracious. After a few seconds I went over and rescued the kind man from my sleepy baby. As the sun set we dragged the boys off of the playground and headed home.

I am so tired now and it is only 7 pm. Monkey is sound asleep and Piglet is asleep on my lap. I am about to lay him down and try to spend a tiny bit of time with my HunnyBunny. Cross your fingers that Piglet stays asleep.

Does the sadness ever leave?

I am one of 2, 3, or 4 children depending on how you look at it. Two from my parents, three if you include my half brother, four if you include my step sister.
Today is the 22nd anniversary of my brother Ryan's birth. He has been dead for almost 16 years now. I used to forget his birthday and then a week or so later remember it and get depressed because I was forgetting him. Like me marking his birthday somehow made him still alive. At least a little bit. I'll probably never forget it again since Piglet's birthday is the day before now.

The problem is that he never truly was alive. Ryan was born with sever Hydrocephalus. Severe enough that his brain never fully developed. He only had a complete brain stem. Everything else was damaged.

When I was a kid a lot of my poetry and writing focused on the hope that Ryan would get better. My parents never explained to us that Ryan was in a permanant vegatative state. We knew that he was deaf and blind. We knew he couldn't sit up, roll over, hold his own head, walk, etc. We knew that he was mentally 9 months old. But kids don't get it. We had hope. False hope. I get all reminiscent whenever I see an IV pole. Ryan had a G-tube to eat. We had to hook it up to an iv bag and put Ensure in it. He had every sort of seizure and was on STRONG medicine to control them. I learned how to crush pills with two spoons and put them in the iv bag at 10 years old. I bet I can still change a G-tube

The day that Ryan was born I came home from school to find my house empty. Luckily my grandparents lived right up the street. So I walked there and waited to hear the news about the new baby. I didn't know if it was a girl or boy or two babies. I don't remember well but I think we were expecting twins. Late at night we got the bad news. Something was wrong with the baby. He looked like an alien. His head was the size of a soccer ball. Daddy cried. The baby was gonna die.

Then a week passed and the baby didn't die. The doctors gave him a month. Then 3 months. Surely he would be dead before a year passed. My family spent the next six years on a death watch. Just waiting for Ryan to die. He just got bigger and bigger but never changed. The only sound he ever made was Da-da-da-da-da. He knew my father's scent. He knew the second my Dad walked into a room and he would just giggle over and over.

In the beginning he did make progress. I remember feeding him babyfood and even small bits of meat. I remember my step-sister and I teaching him little cheers. I remember teaching him the sign language for Ryan. That was somethng he retained even after he became a vegatable. He would sign R-Y-A-N often.

The day that he was born was one of the saddest days of my life. The day that he died was one too. But also a great releif. I lost more than my brother that day. I lost my sister too. It has only been through great effort on our part that we have stayed in touch. I haven't seen her now in 2 years. I haven't seen my father in 1.

I miss you little brother. I miss who you could have been and the life you could have lived. Whenever I see people your age I am blown away by the thought that I should have had a brother that age.

My baby is one year old today!

Today is Piglet's first birthday. It was quiet as far as first birthdays go. Both he and Monkey have been sick so we didn't have a party. At breakfast Monkey gave him his gift, little rubber trucks like Monkey's Hot Wheels. Then Piglet and Monkey played pretty nicely together, for once.

Piglet seems to be getting over this illness. But he is still barely eating. He is breastfeeding so much that he had a full-blown-newborn-breastfed poopy diaper today.

No family called, nobody but us cared about his birthday. It's sad sometimes to think about how little connections I have. I feel like it's his first birthday; somebody should care other than me. This is the kind of thing that led to my depression when Monkey was a baby. There I was a new mother with absolutely no support. Sure HunnyBunny did what he could but he is an IT manager for a BUSY company. He couldn't be here all of the time. I imagined that other women have mothers, aunts, grandmothers and friends to help them with their new babies. I was jealous of imaginary people.

I love my life and need to be satisfied with what I do have. I have two healthy boys and a loving husband. I do not need my disfunctional parents in my or my children's lives to make them complete. We are a whole family.

One year ago today...

I was in labor. I was in hour 19 of what turned out to be a 36 hour long labor. I was sooooooo tired that I got in my nifty birth tub and slept between contractions. I can't beleive my baby will be one tomorrow. I can't beleive I had a homebirth 1 year ago!

Having Piglet at home fixed a lot of the broken places inside of me. I had to take responsibility for myself. I did it all on my own. Sure my midwives were here for the end and thank goodness for that. But doing that, laboring alone, in my space made me own it. I never felt like somebody should be doing something to me or for me. I have drawn a lot of strength from homebirth. I will never forget the feeling of my baby coming through me.

Thank you Kate, Merle and Rachel for being my midwives. Thank you for supporting me and being my circle of women. Thank you Monkey for making me laugh and for singing through the contractions with me. Thank you HunnyBunny for trusting me to do this and for all of the trips to the HFS. And most of all, Thank you Piglet for letting me be your momma and coming out so easily.

Happy New Year!

Or something like that. Our New Year's celebration was a bust this year again. We had planned to pop into Rachel's for a bit and then head over to Chris and Deb's house. We have spent every New Year with them for the past 6 years. Except last year. I was starting labor and just didn't feel up to going out. Anyway, back to this year, Focus!!! So this year we were all set for a big night when Piglet woke up Friday night barking. What a cough! He has been horribly sick since then. Now Monkey, HunnyBunny, and I all have it. Woohoo. So there went the celebration. I think I hopped in the shower at 11:45 and got out when I heard the neighbors shooting guns. I so did not want to get shot while in the shower. Can you just see this headline?

I haven't slept since Friday night. Well, that's not completely true. I did sleep Sunday morning for nearly 3 hours and then today for almost 3. That's 6 hours of sleep in 5 days. I feel great! My butt and back hurt more than the lack of sleep. I have had to hold Piglet since this sickness began. He wakes up the minute I sit him down.

So I am hoping this isn't a sign of what I can expect from the new year. I hope this year beings us peace and happiness.