Sunday, January 28, 2007

Sunday School

Well at my church they call it RE or Religious Education. Blah. How formal. Anyway, Monkey was supposed to start in the preschool today. He was having none of it. He got upset when we started to walk in a different deirection than the nursery. He did like the room. It was nice with lots of letters and numbers on the walls. Monkey is currently learning his ABC's and loves letters. I'm not even sure how he wil do in a structured enviroment.

He ended up in the nursery again. We'll try again this week.

Catching up

Life is so hectic sometimes.

Thursday and Friday HunnyBunny had to come home early from work to take Monkey to the doctor's office. For a few months now Monkey has been having eating issues. He's been eating less and less and complaining of his stomach hurting. He has had some other symptoms as well. HunnyBunny thought they were all unrelated but my Spidey sense was tingling so I decided it was time to take him in. We go to our family doctor and he says , "No way. Take him to a pediatrician." I am so scared that he has Celiac disease. All of these problems appeared when we added bread to our diet. Somebody say a prayer! I do not want my baby to have this. The pediatrician wants to test for parasites first but her next step is a Celiac panel. It scares me but I was sure glad to have my fears validated.

Oh and while all this is going on what happens to me? I get a toothache. On a Friday night! Arggghhh! Why do these things always happen on the weekend. I was going to try to ride it out. It was just a toothache right? Hell, no! Saturday morning I woke up and it was starting to throb. Now I can take pain but it got so bad that I couldn't think. It got so bad that I called my Mom. I haven't been talking to my Mom. We don't really get along and she just makes me plain miserable. But one good thing about Mom? She has a handy supply of pain killers. This should explain just how much pain I was in. Hah, was, I still am. I hate breaking the law. I hate when people offer me their medicine. I never take it. But today I went running to Mommy and begged, "Give me some drugs!!!!!!" She did and you know what else she did for me? She put in an emergency call to the dentist whose office is next door to her house. He came in to work on my tooth. Heads up Havertown ladies, Dr. Bruce Bottomley rocks! He came into the office at 4 pm on a Saturday to fix my tooth for me. It turns out I have an abscess and need a root canal and crown. So now I'm on mega antibiotics and oxycodone. Great!

So that's my weekend. Today Monkey starts in the preschool class for Sunday school if we make it to church.

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

What not to get your wife for Valentines's Day

Last year I got a computer moniter. Granted it was a lovely flat screen model but it's a friggin computer accessory. HunnyBunny has to be the LEAST romantic man alive. The last time he bought me something "romantic" was years ago. And it turns out that those were just impulse buys because he passed the store every day on the way to lunch. I mean literally walked past it. I don't think I'm asking for much. Just a little effort on his part.

I was talking about this to HunnyBunny the other day and he asked what he got me last year. I told him and he congratulated himself. He seriously needs a clue. I guess these are the kinds of gifts he wants from me.

Friday, January 19, 2007

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Exclamation points! I love exclamation points!!!!! I know that they are a huge writing faux pas but I just absolutely love them!!!!!!! I was reading something last night and they were talking about how exclamation points make you sound like a teenybopper. Well, so be it.

I have a hard time expressing myself with emotion in writing. I always feel that I am coming off very clinical. I tend to overthink when writing and underthink when talking. I say some pretty dumb things. But that's me and why y'all love me right?

Trace wrote something the other day about my dark side. I don't really think that I am such a dark person, anymore. As a kid and especially in my teens I enjoyed shocking people with my damage. I have grown out of that I hope. It was mainly a reaction to moving to an area where everybody was in a higher socio-economic class than me. Most of the kids in my school were "rich" and had good families. I had all of this crap going on and then to be the poor kid on top of it made me act out.

My past is in the past though. I have a wonderful life with my husband and two boys. We have a nice house and have everything that we need. There is no drama in my life that I don't create myself. I get jealous over imaginary people. I imagine that other women have wonderful realtionships with their families. That other Moms have doting grandparents to help with the kids. I think about people who talk to their brothers and sisters and know their nephews. I get down sometimes because I am not the perfect Mother that I so want to be. I find myself yelling at the boys or getting mad a petty things and remind myself of my mothers. Two women who I really do not want to emulate.

No, for the most part, I am a happy woman. ( I should have used an exclamation point! tee hee)

Breasts of fire

My boobs are killing me!

Seriously, Piglet likes to twiddle one while he is nursing on the other. It is making me lose my mind. Like they are not sensitive enough but then he has to pinch them? Aaaack! Some days I quit breast feeding 5 times. I feel like I can't possibly put my breast into that gaping maw one more time. And then he looks up at me and giggle with a milky little grin and I melt.

Also, I'm cheap. That's a silly reason to breastfeed but formula costs almost $20 a can. That's crazy! Then there are all of those bottles and cleaning them, forget about it.

6 weird things about me

I take it that we are wanting quirky weird rather than sad and disturbing. As I am in a sad and disturbing mood this may take a little work.

1. I have no baseboards in my dining room. They were removed 3 years ago when I was painting the dining room and DH has not found the time to put up new ones yet.

2. When I was a child i used to be able to mimic exactly each of my cats meows. I can still do a passable cat impression. I fool my cats.

3. I have had 11 piercings in my life. 4 ear cartilage (done when it was radical), 4 regular ear, right nipple, tongue and nose. I don't wear any of them anymore. Not even earrings.

4. I still have the first stuffed animal that I ever got. He's a stuffed bear named Bartholomew that my Dad's friend, Lee Boyer, gave me when I was born. I slept with that bear until I moved in with HunnyBunny and now I let Monkey play with him

5. I get seasonal affective disorder. But only in the summer. I hate watching the days get shorter. I much prefer the winter when I have something to look forward to.

6. I never learned grammar in school (can you tell?). When I moved school districts I slipped through the cracks. In Delaware they taught it in 6th grade but in Pennsylvania they taught it in 5th grade. I didn't realize this until 12th grade when they did a refresher and I realized that I didn't know any of it.

There is that weird enough? I tag M-j.

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

Ghosts from my childhood

So tonight we're getting the boys ready for bed when the phone rings. Hunnybunny goes to answer it. There is a man on the phone asking for me and I hear him start to bristle. "Can I have a name?", I hear. He comes in and says that my cousin Shane is on the phone. What the heck? I haven't seen him in about 9 years and before that about another 10 years. I'm wondering if someone is dead. He just felt like saying hello. Weird!

Let me explain. Shane was my best friend growing up. You know how they talk about kissing cousins? That was us. If it wasn't illegal (and gross) to marry your first cousin then we probably would have married when we grew up. What the heck did I know? I was a little kid.

But anyway.... Shane was my closest friend and confidant until my mother stole us and moved us to Pennsylvania. I used to have a HUGE family. Growing up, I lived 5 houses from my grandparent's house and all of my cousins spent the entire summer there. All 10 of my cousins felt like brothers and sisters. Shane, Erin and I were about the same age( within months of each other). We three were inseparable.

The summer before I entered 6th grade my mom bought a house in Havertown. She decided that she was finally ready to take care of us and arranged to take us for the summer. Let me tell you, that was the most boring summer of my life! No pool, no beach. Blech! She decided (without consulting my Dad) that she was going to enroll us in school in PA. She had me break the news to my Dad that we weren't ever coming home. She tricked me into it. My Dad cried so hard. That was one of the most painful days of my life. To this day he blames me for choosing her over him. He just doesn't get that a 10 year old child cannot make that kind of decision.

I always hated my mom. She was never a part of my life. My mother worked graveyard shift at Denny's as a waitress and trainer. She slept all day and was gone all night. Then when Yimmit was about 1 she started travelling opening up new restaurants. What kind of mom leaves her 1 year old and 4 year old for weeks at a time? And I'm not getting down on working moms. I know some people have to do it. Mine CHOSE it. She's told me so. Then she left my Dad and left us with him. Again she says that she had to get out. She was so afraid of him. But if he was so dangerous then why did she leave her kids with him for another 6 years? You know why? Cause she didn't feel like dealing with us. She was too busy playing with her new boyfriend. My step father has known us since Yimmit was 2 but I still get comments like, "Oh, he's never been around children." What the F*** were we? Rabid dogs?

So she ripped us away from the state we were born and raised in just to hurt my Dad. Well, me not Yimmit. I don't think he even remembers Delaware. But in the process she took away my entire family. And did she move us to a place where there would be kids to play with? NO! She moved us to a major road so that my stepfather's business could be in their house.

Back then there was no Blue Route. It took an hour to an hour and a half to get from Havertown to New Castle. There were months that would go by without me even seeing my Dad. I never saw any of my cousins again. A year later my Grandfather died. A year after that my Grandmother died. The next year my dad and stepmother divorced, my brother died, and my dad lost the family business and his house. The next year my Dad went to prison.

I'm going to have nightmares tonight.

Saturday, January 13, 2007

Oh my! I've been tagged!

0) What’s your name and website URL? (optional, of course)
Dani, Danielle, uh, it depends.
My blog's title is Random Musings of a Crazed Momma.
http://chipmunkmomma.blogspot.com/

1) What’s the most fun work you’ve ever done, and why? (two sentences max) Working on the Y2K Project with my DH when we were in the Air Force. It was the goofiest bunch of guys crammed into a closet sized room working 16 hours a day - we had a blast!

2) A. Name one thing you did in the past that you no longer do but wish you did? (one sentence max) I wish I had kept current with computer programming cause I miss having a marketable skill.

B. Name one thing you’ve always wanted to do but keep putting it off? (one sentence max) I still don't know how to drive.

3) A. What two things would you most like to learn or be better at, and why? (two sentences max) 1. I would love to learn how to play an instrument because I need music and never had the chance to as a child. 2. Being me, I'm still working on loving me and being my authentic self no matter what.

B. If you could take a class/workshop/apprentice from anyone in the world living or dead, who would it be and what would you hope to learn? (two more sentences, max) I hope the Dalai Lama would teach me how to achieve inner peace. I am such a raging turmoil inside and work continually to calm and heal myself.

4) A. What three words might your best friends or family use to describe you? serene, weird, thoughtful

B. Now list two more words you wish described you… sane, settled

5) What are your top three passions? (can be current or past, work, hobbies, or causes– three sentences max) birth: I am fascinated by birth in all forms, natural parenting, crafts

6) Write–and answer–one more question that YOU would ask someone (with answer in three sentences max) What do you feel your purpose is? I feel that my purpose in life is to give support to all people that I encounter. I try to help people know that they are seen and special. I guess I feel like a mother to everyone, I always have.

Friday, January 12, 2007

I love cloth diapers

So what did I do today? I washed up my brand new cloth diapers. Yay! I have been making do with infant sized ones for way too long. Turns out I had infant sized ones that are only supposed to last until about 6 months old. Piglet is a year! I bought a one and a half dozen large prefolds from www.integritydiapercompany.com. She has great prices and fantastic shipping. I ordered these Monday night and received them Thursday morning. As for the quality? These are very soft and quilted up nicely in only 3 washes and one dry.

Ok. So you made it this far. Are you wondering WHY I use cloth diapers? Well, to start with I am cheap. Monkey is totally disposable diapered.
I never even considered cloth. Ewww. Gross. But then $20 a week for diapers is just too much. So when Piglet came along I saw cloth diapers and thought, "Why not?" I bought a few and decided to give it a try. I LOVE them.

1. It costs $1.50/ diaper for prefold diapers that will last for all of your children. Depending on how often you wash you can get away with just 18 diapers and 2 covers. That's it. No more buying diapers ever.
2. They don't smell. You know that awful diaper smell that comes out of any diaper pail no matter how advanced? Nope. Don't have it. And I just use a 5 gallon bucket from True Value.
3. I also use cloth wipes. Soft flannel on baby's bum rather that chemically treated paper.
4. Piglet has never had diaper rash! Can you say that?
5. No crunchy sounding butts
6. There is nothing to compare the feeling of picking up a babe wearing a soft wool cover. They are all softness and chub.
7. No leaks! I have never had a cloth diaper leak.
8. No goopy gel or creepy chemicals on my babe's tush.
9. I never run out of diapers. If I was absolutely desparate I now know how to fashion one out of an old t-shirt and a garbage bag.
10. Fashion diapers.

Thursday, January 11, 2007

My HunnyBunny is working late. It's almost 9:30 and he has been at work since 9 am. Poor Boy. This wasn't even a planned thing. His company seems to think they have slaves instead of employees. They start 3 projects at once and want all of them done ASAP. The reason he's working late tonight is because they decided at 5 pm that something just HAD to be done tonight. Something new. HunnyBunny had to design, code, test a whole process. He then had to wait for this person to drive from Langhorne to Pennsauken! Ugh! What a freaking waste of time. Now he's trying to show this guy how it works.

I wish HunnyBunny would get a new job. I know the IT market is tight but this is ridiculous. He never gets vacation. Every year he loses days at the end of the year. Ans even when he does take the day off, he spends it on the cell phone or his home computer working. The whole reason we have cable Internet is so he can work from home. I don't see why he doesn't expense it. I hate seeing him so stressed out. He's like a walking bomb. I'm so afraid that he's going to just explode one day and just walk out. I don't know what we'll do then.

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

Why is everything with a 2 1/2 year old so hard?

Does every little thing have to be a fight? This child is so damned infuriating! And yes I know that this is what people are referring to when they say "Terrible Two's". He refuses to eat. So we find something that he WILL eat. He'll eat that for a few weeks and then quit. He fights waking up, getting dressed, eating, sleep, any directions. It drives me crazy.

So tonight I was tryig my best to get him to brush his teeth. This is something that he used to beg to do 6 times a day. Now I'm lucky if I can get him to do it once a day. Realy lucky. I decided to explain to him about the teeth bugs. See there are tiny little bugs on your teeth. They eat teeth and if we don't brush them off every day they will eat your teeth and make them hurt real bad. This tact has worked in the past but tonight he was having none of it. I tried showing him how Piglet was brushing his, I was brushing mine. No good. Finally I followed him into his room and asked "Why not? Why aren't you brushing your teeth?" Wanna know what he said? "I'm fighting Momma, I'm a mean guy." And then smiled. He's just messing with me. Argh! Then he said, "Momma kill those bugs" amd let me brush.

Monday, January 08, 2007

My turn...

My Peculiar Aristocratic Title is:
Her Most Serene Highness Lady Danielle the Weary of Wimblish upon Frognaze
Get your Peculiar Aristocratic Title

Saturday, January 06, 2007

What a long, fun day we had today

We got up this morning at 7:30 to go to breakfast with my friends. We didn't get home until after 4 pm. Ugh! I hate being out all day. But today was a fantastic day.

We had breakfast at the Coffee Club. Wow, what a great place. It has lots of little conversation areas and artwork. It looks just like the coffee house that I had imagined we would own. I love seeing all of my online friends in real life. They are such a great group of women and I am not just saying that cause they might read this. We are such a diverse group brought together by Flylady. These women make me feel a little saner in this insane world. Through them I know that I am not the only woman who struggles with motherhood and being a wife. It is hard but doable. I find solace in them.

When we left there we walked around Media for a bit to enjoy the nice weather. Of course we had to pop into the toy store for Monkey and Piglet to play for a bit and ran into another friend. Maybe I won't move after all. I really like bumping into friends when I am out and about.

Then we drove to my Mother's house to pick up Piglet's birthday presents. She had 3 or 4 toys for him to open. That's right, more toys 2 weeks after Christmas. Double Ugh! And then she had a present for Monkey so he wouldn't be jealous. Not a tiny thing either. She bought the Melissa and Doug pizza set as a consolation gift. She drives me up a wall. I really do try to get along with her but I just bristle every time I get near her. Oh! One of the toys she had was something she bought from my friend's Discovery Toys Party. She bought something and then absolutely refused to go pick it up. Just unbelievable. She expected me to go get it for her because it was MY friend. She was going to wait me out too. I think she figured that I would be so embarrassed that I would go get it for her. My friend dropped it off to her. My friend with 5 little kids. HunnyBunny gave her hell for it. Both her and my stepfather hate when we visit. My stepfather makes it very clear that he wants nothing to do with us. We really want nothing to do with them so I don't know why I even bother. Yeah, yeah, it's so the kids can know at least of on their grandmothers. i think I'm just going to up and move to Montana. That's the most remote place I can think of right now.

OK. So the rest of our lovely day. After leaving my mom's we had lunch at Mesa Fresh. My boys can eat some rice and beans. I have never seen 2 kids who love beans so much. What a diet! Rice, beans, broccoli, chicken fingers, spinach, Chinese mixed veggies (even the mushrooms!) Then we walked around the shopping center. Ya! I got new yarn.

When we got back into the car Monkey started begging to go to the park. Any park. We ended up at the Tot Lot in Media. That turned out to be the highlight of our day. Piglet climbed right up the jungle gym and went down the slide headfirst. No fear there. Monkey had so many other kids to play with. He was in heaven. While there he met another boy who had the same name as him. Both boys thought that was just the coolest and became instant best friends.

As the sun was starting to set Piglet started to fade. I could tell he wanted to nurse but there was just too much activity for him to calm down. The last time he went down the slide he started crawling away. I watched to see where he was going. He crawled over to this couple who were sitting watching their daughter play. He started to pull himself up on the man's leg and then just climbed into his lap and laid his head on the man's shoulder! It was the cutest thing ever. (OK, and a little scary.) All of the parents looked over and chuckled. I wish I had a camera to capture the moment. For his part, the man was flattered and gracious. After a few seconds I went over and rescued the kind man from my sleepy baby. As the sun set we dragged the boys off of the playground and headed home.

I am so tired now and it is only 7 pm. Monkey is sound asleep and Piglet is asleep on my lap. I am about to lay him down and try to spend a tiny bit of time with my HunnyBunny. Cross your fingers that Piglet stays asleep.

Thursday, January 04, 2007

Does the sadness ever leave?

I am one of 2, 3, or 4 children depending on how you look at it. Two from my parents, three if you include my half brother, four if you include my step sister.
Today is the 22nd anniversary of my brother Ryan's birth. He has been dead for almost 16 years now. I used to forget his birthday and then a week or so later remember it and get depressed because I was forgetting him. Like me marking his birthday somehow made him still alive. At least a little bit. I'll probably never forget it again since Piglet's birthday is the day before now.

The problem is that he never truly was alive. Ryan was born with sever Hydrocephalus. Severe enough that his brain never fully developed. He only had a complete brain stem. Everything else was damaged.

When I was a kid a lot of my poetry and writing focused on the hope that Ryan would get better. My parents never explained to us that Ryan was in a permanant vegatative state. We knew that he was deaf and blind. We knew he couldn't sit up, roll over, hold his own head, walk, etc. We knew that he was mentally 9 months old. But kids don't get it. We had hope. False hope. I get all reminiscent whenever I see an IV pole. Ryan had a G-tube to eat. We had to hook it up to an iv bag and put Ensure in it. He had every sort of seizure and was on STRONG medicine to control them. I learned how to crush pills with two spoons and put them in the iv bag at 10 years old. I bet I can still change a G-tube

The day that Ryan was born I came home from school to find my house empty. Luckily my grandparents lived right up the street. So I walked there and waited to hear the news about the new baby. I didn't know if it was a girl or boy or two babies. I don't remember well but I think we were expecting twins. Late at night we got the bad news. Something was wrong with the baby. He looked like an alien. His head was the size of a soccer ball. Daddy cried. The baby was gonna die.

Then a week passed and the baby didn't die. The doctors gave him a month. Then 3 months. Surely he would be dead before a year passed. My family spent the next six years on a death watch. Just waiting for Ryan to die. He just got bigger and bigger but never changed. The only sound he ever made was Da-da-da-da-da. He knew my father's scent. He knew the second my Dad walked into a room and he would just giggle over and over.

In the beginning he did make progress. I remember feeding him babyfood and even small bits of meat. I remember my step-sister and I teaching him little cheers. I remember teaching him the sign language for Ryan. That was somethng he retained even after he became a vegatable. He would sign R-Y-A-N often.

The day that he was born was one of the saddest days of my life. The day that he died was one too. But also a great releif. I lost more than my brother that day. I lost my sister too. It has only been through great effort on our part that we have stayed in touch. I haven't seen her now in 2 years. I haven't seen my father in 1.

I miss you little brother. I miss who you could have been and the life you could have lived. Whenever I see people your age I am blown away by the thought that I should have had a brother that age.

Wednesday, January 03, 2007

My baby is one year old today!




Today is Piglet's first birthday. It was quiet as far as first birthdays go. Both he and Monkey have been sick so we didn't have a party. At breakfast Monkey gave him his gift, little rubber trucks like Monkey's Hot Wheels. Then Piglet and Monkey played pretty nicely together, for once.

Piglet seems to be getting over this illness. But he is still barely eating. He is breastfeeding so much that he had a full-blown-newborn-breastfed poopy diaper today.

No family called, nobody but us cared about his birthday. It's sad sometimes to think about how little connections I have. I feel like it's his first birthday; somebody should care other than me. This is the kind of thing that led to my depression when Monkey was a baby. There I was a new mother with absolutely no support. Sure HunnyBunny did what he could but he is an IT manager for a BUSY company. He couldn't be here all of the time. I imagined that other women have mothers, aunts, grandmothers and friends to help them with their new babies. I was jealous of imaginary people.

I love my life and need to be satisfied with what I do have. I have two healthy boys and a loving husband. I do not need my disfunctional parents in my or my children's lives to make them complete. We are a whole family.

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

One year ago today...


I was in labor. I was in hour 19 of what turned out to be a 36 hour long labor. I was sooooooo tired that I got in my nifty birth tub and slept between contractions. I can't beleive my baby will be one tomorrow. I can't beleive I had a homebirth 1 year ago!

Having Piglet at home fixed a lot of the broken places inside of me. I had to take responsibility for myself. I did it all on my own. Sure my midwives were here for the end and thank goodness for that. But doing that, laboring alone, in my space made me own it. I never felt like somebody should be doing something to me or for me. I have drawn a lot of strength from homebirth. I will never forget the feeling of my baby coming through me.

Thank you Kate, Merle and Rachel for being my midwives. Thank you for supporting me and being my circle of women. Thank you Monkey for making me laugh and for singing through the contractions with me. Thank you HunnyBunny for trusting me to do this and for all of the trips to the HFS. And most of all, Thank you Piglet for letting me be your momma and coming out so easily.

Happy New Year!

Or something like that. Our New Year's celebration was a bust this year again. We had planned to pop into Rachel's for a bit and then head over to Chris and Deb's house. We have spent every New Year with them for the past 6 years. Except last year. I was starting labor and just didn't feel up to going out. Anyway, back to this year, Focus!!! So this year we were all set for a big night when Piglet woke up Friday night barking. What a cough! He has been horribly sick since then. Now Monkey, HunnyBunny, and I all have it. Woohoo. So there went the celebration. I think I hopped in the shower at 11:45 and got out when I heard the neighbors shooting guns. I so did not want to get shot while in the shower. Can you just see this headline?

I haven't slept since Friday night. Well, that's not completely true. I did sleep Sunday morning for nearly 3 hours and then today for almost 3. That's 6 hours of sleep in 5 days. I feel great! My butt and back hurt more than the lack of sleep. I have had to hold Piglet since this sickness began. He wakes up the minute I sit him down.

So I am hoping this isn't a sign of what I can expect from the new year. I hope this year beings us peace and happiness.