Do I even exist anymore?

Or have I been reduced to nothing more than a set of boobs. Sometimes I wonder. I don't seem to do anything other than nurse a toddler all day. Special days come and go without a card or a gift. For example, the 4 year anniversary of quitting smoking, my 9 year wedding anniversary, my 31st birthday. Hell, at this point I'd settle for an e-card. Something.

UU and the Working Class

I just finished reading a great article on how class relates to UU. But having been written by a professional it seems to miss the point. It's a start though.

I am UU. Unitarian Universalist that is. And I am very much working class. I find that being both of those things is such a struggle. How can I honor my place in the world and still go to a church every Sunday that feels I need to be improved. I mean sure, I am welcomed. They'll have me but do they really want me. Do these professionals really want their children to see that you can be happy without a college education. Blasphemy!

The college educated always seem to think that the rest of us want to be just like them. I fear not. I've lived on both sides of the tracks. I was born in New Castle, DE to a plumber and a waitress. They both sold drugs to make ends meet and my mom did them in order to stay awake for her graveyard shifts. I was supposed to be the "one". The one who was good, the one who stayed off of drugs, the one who went to college and the one who got a career rather than a job. All of this was pounded into my head before kindergarten even began. My goal in life was college. I had to go. There was no other option. I was a stressed out, straight-A, train wreck of a kid. That kid who freaked about every test and then got 100's. My life was pointed straight towards college. To further that end, my Mom left my Dad at some point and moved to Havertown, PA to live amongst the middle class. The Main Line. The only main line I had ever heard of had to do with heroin. She lauded the schools, had me choose between my father and her. Pointed out the pros and cons of the two school systems. I would never get into a good school with a Delaware education. I needed to move to Pennsylvania. It was so clear. So I left my home and moved to a strange land. Being low class and living side by side with "rich kids" does something to your self esteem. I went from being top of the class to mediocre. I went from normal to poor. My situation hadn't changed any. We had just as much money as we always had. It's just that my perspective changed. Suddenly I had to compete with the sons of doctors and lawyers. Suddenly my clothes and hair and shoes were not good enough, could never be good enough. It destroyed me.

I never did end up going to college. Kids like me didn't go to college. In Delaware all of the kids were like me. Some made it and some didn't. In Pennsylvania, only the rare few of us working class kids made it out. Instead I took a few years off and then joined the Air Force when it became clear to me that 19 year old cashiers don't get very much in this world. There I became a computer programmer. I have the equivalence of a degree in IT. That's fine for jobs but when it comes down to it, I never went to college and I will always be less in some peoples eyes because of it.

I have straddled the class fence for 20 years. I have never fit in either category. So where does that leave me. I am not a professional. I personally love waitressing. Love it. My mom did too and now she loves bartending. Does that make us less than someone who loves engineering? Does that make me any less liberal religiously? I know plenty of people who could be served by a liberal religion. Who could be UU if UU was more about the spirit and less about liberal politics couched as religion. I think UU needs to look long and hard at itself and see if it is speaking to a universal condition or just an upper class one.

Blog? What's a blog?

My goodness! Has it really been nearly 3 months? Where have I been? All over. We joined the pool again this year. The major difference between this year and last is my license. That's right, I can drive. And, boy, do I drive. I have not been home since the day I got it. I've driven to Ohio twice this summer. I put money down on a house only to back out after inspections. Oliver is talking and Nathan has a best friend. The boys have blossomed socially at the pool. They have confidence that they didn't have before. I've found a forum that feels like home, drama and all. All in all, Life is good.

So i have been notified that I am not poasting ofeten enough. I haven't. It seems that since my dad died I've just been getting by. I'm living in a constant state of reaction. Things are settling a little. It's just that busy time of yeatr. I'm going to the shrink, have those silly parenting classes, church, swim lessons. Argh! There's not enough time in the day.

So for 3 weeks I had this guy here doing work on the house for me. What a mistake!!!!! Not only does he do horrible work but it turns out that he's a heroin addict! For Pete's sake! I guess that explains why he did beautiful work the first day (broke) but got sloppier as time went on(had money/drugs) i feel liek an idiot.

dead people suck!

Ok, so one of my trademark Dani insensitive remarks is ,"Dead people suck, don't be a sucker!" I'm thinking of making a t-shirt. Really, they do though. I simply can't stand dead people. Dead babies, forget about it. Ugh! But you know what really, truly, without a doubt sucks? DYING people. They are even worse! And boy do I know. I have had more than my fair share. My brother was dying for 6 years. Death. I am at peace with it but it is just so damned messy. It just hurts. Everywhere and at such random moments.

Today is my brother's 27th birthday. It is his first without my Dad. First's suck. Tonight my stepmother called. All those years my Dad didn't think they had long distance. All those years he didn't even try to call. Tonight she thought it might be Timmo's birthday and she decided to just try. She didn't think the call would actually go through but she dialed anyway. It went through. Can you believe that? They have long distance. @#$@#! So she wished Timmo a Happy Birthday and then called me. I bought her a pair of earrings a few weeks after Dad died and mailed them to her. I never knew if she had received them or liked them. She says that she wears them 4 or 5 times a week. That they make her feel beautiful and loved. Hearing her voice makes me want to talk to Daddy. I just want to say where is he, put him on. I miss him.

responsibility

I am so freaking tired of people not taking any damned responsibility for themselves! I am into homebirth. But when you opt to have a homebirth you have to give up some things too. You have to give up the convenience of eating poorly, you can't rely on somebody else advice anymore. You are taking the responsibility on yourself. One of the reasons that homebirth is so safe is that the women who homebirth are more educated (about birth and in general) and are healthier. We live a healthier lifestyle. Now anybody who looks at me can see that I am fat. I am obviously not perfect. But I try my darnedest. I eat mostly veggies and protein. I am not out eating McDonald's every night. I could work out more but I digress. When I was pregnant I educated myself on what exactly I needed to eat in order to be the healthiest I could be. When my sugar looked funky I immediately cut out ALL sugar. I took my midwife's advice but I also did the research myself. I wasn't relying on her as my sole source of information. She was just one piece of the puzzle. She was one reference. I bought over 20 books. And read them over and over. I know more about birth than some OB's. Heck, who am I kidding, MOST. No I can't give a c-section or an episiotomy but I could deliver my own baby or yours if need be.

What really makes me mad are women who want to have it all. They want to be typical lazy Americans who don't eat well, exercise or follow doctor's orders but at the same time they want to have a homebirth. When you do that you are not just putting yourself at risk you are putting the entire institution of midwifery at risk. You are risking my next homebirth, and your midwife's career - not to mention her freedom. Either you take the responsibility on yourself or you submit to the doctor. You can't have it both ways.

Tuesdays wiht Morrie

Last night HunnyBunny and I stayed up till after 1am to watch Tuesdays with Morrie. We read the book about a year ago and it really touched HunnyBunny. Yea, it touched me too. But he read it first and I hadn't been even planning to pick it up for a while. He insisted that I read it. Right away! Dontcha just love Morrie? Dontcha want to just hug him? It make me think again about moving to be closer to HunnyBunny's Dad. We've already lost one grandfather and I would like my boys to know their other one. My family here is never going to change. They don't visit us now so what's going to change in the future. Maybe if we moved we would see more of them. Of course I'm not going to make that decision anymore. HunnyBunny has to decide if he wants to start over in a new job. I don't really care where we live. It would just be nice for the boys to know their Pappaw. He loves them so much and desperately wants us there. Can you believe we were supposed to move almost a year ago? Can you believe that HunnyBunny hasn't finished updating his resume yet?

Rotovirus sucks!

What a week we have had over here! On Sunday Piglet got a horrible stomach flu. Throw-up everywhere!!!! Then Monday night Monkey got it and a few hours later HunnyBunny. Tuesday night it finally caught up with me. Oh my goodness. That was not fun! I seemed to have the least of it. By Wednesday Piglet was better but I was at my worst. But guess who had to watch him anyway? Me. Why are men so damned useless sometimes. Ok. I know that isn't exactly fair. HunnyBunny had a huge startup for a project at work on Tuesday which he missed so he had to play catch-up. But damn it he could've put him in the sling and carried him. Or hired a nanny. Or I don't know. I just sure didn't feel like entertaining super-happy-baby, who doesn't watch T.V. by the way. Ugh! How exactly did I turn Monkey into a T.V. zombie? Oh that's right, HunnyBunny did.

Oh Boy! Am I ever bitchy today!

Last night I got my first period since May 2003. I have been pregnant or nursing since then. I still am but it decided to come back anyway. Fertility has returned. It is so weird for me to have a period. I mean seriosly we're talking 4 years now.

It's such a big thing for me but who do you tell? Should I email all of the Flyladies? The East Coast Mamas? Do I call HunnyBunny at work? Does anybody really give a shit? No not really. HunnyBunny's response was, "shudder". Thanks asshole. Way to make a girl feel sexy. I'm excited. I feel I just got my first cycle all over again. Except DAd isn't here to hand over a $20 and say, " Good Job!"

where did february go?

Wow, my last post about real life was ground hog's day. crap! i lost a whole month. i had to take monkey to the doctor's today. he has been complaining of a tummy ache for nearly a week now. I mean waking up screaming at night with, "i hurt!" I have called the doc twice and tonight she agreed to check him just in case. What the hell is wrong with pediatricians? Are they not the most insufferably patronizing people around? Like I'm too stupid to realize that yes, this is most likely constipation. However i want YOU to make sure I'm not missing something. I'm not some freak with Munchhausen by proxy. I just want my kid to stop screaming.

Oh and get this! They wanted me to fill out a blanket consent form. ya know, just in case both of us are unavailable and they need to treat him for something, blah, blah, steal you rights, blah. um, can you say NO! I crosed out the form and wrote refused consent. If there really is something that dire I'm my mother would be able to handle it. I am not giving some freaking doctor's office the right to do whatever the hell they want to my sons. No way! I can see it now, Oh while we were in there we just gave him every shot we have and put him on adderal. La la la. And the other mother in the office didn't even question the form, didn't even READ it!!!! How could she just sign her rights away? I guess so many people have that doctor knows best complex. Not me.

What a fucking difference 2 weeks makes

I feel like I have been through the wringer. I am beat. Now I got the money fights to go through. And the divying up of his crap. Man, I do not feel like dealing with that. I'm so conflicted about my Aunt's role in all of this. She has helped us out so much but she has also been a complete pain in the ass too. She's a control freak! Ok, I know I lost it. I know that I called her and Linda up and told them they needed to handle the funeral arrangements. But that doesn't mean that I need her to bother Linda for my Dad's stuff. Could you imagine going through the horror of you DH killing himself and then having his family swoop in like vultures? Fuck that. I'm giving Linda time to say goodbye. I can wait to get the things that mean something to me. I still need time as well.

The fund raiser was a bust. Nobody showed up. The plan was to raise at least $4000. I think we might be able to raise $2000. Oh well. That'll pay back the couple of people who helped pay for the funeral and then buy Timmo's ticket and hotel in Arizona.

good quote

A quote I found recently makes me smile, and there's a lot of truth to it: "Three Wise Women would have… Asked directions; Arrived on time; Helped deliver the baby; cleaned the stable; Made a casserole; Brought practical gifts; and There would be peace on Earth."

Hang in there....

Are you kidding me? I know you all mean well but seriously, my Dad HUNG himself. I am laughing about it, a little. I mean I do have a sense of humor.

Aaaaaacccccckkkkk!!!! I don't think I can deal.

Anyway, I cannnot count the number of times I have been told to "Hang in there" or "Hang on" by well wishers this week. I'm not really sure what my point is. I just had to post this to get it off of my chest.

The problem with posting before the thought is finished

What I meant to say was that i have had those days. Remember when i had that bad patch with postpartum depression? I did seek help. i had a therapist this summer. i had to leave him in November because he wasn't taking me seriously. He had just downgraded my condition to mild depression when I was still feeling horribly depressed. He didn't get me. I am looking for a new therapist but I need a very specific doctor. I just haven't felt up to the legwork involved in finding a new shrink.

As for myself, I could not ever kill myself. I know the pain that it would cause my family. My goal in life is to reduce suffering not increase it. One of the ironies of this, and there are many, is that I always resisted suicide because i knew that if I did then my Dad would. I just couldn't be responsible for his death. Well, look. He went and did it without my help. There are a lot of things I have done, good and bad, to please my father. I have kept some major secrets from him to protect him.

Well, now that I don't have to worry about him I am going to face my main demon. Why can i now forgive my family? Is it because I no longer have anything to hide? I would have kept my secrets till my grave in order to spare him pain. He now never has to know what happened to me. That alone brings me peace.

I don't know what to say about my father. i am so mad. Not only at him but at myself. At everything. I am mad at life. i guess he was too. I am angry at him for stealing my boys' grandfather. I am mad at him for not giving me the chance to hear his voice again. I am just plain mad.

The books say that every person touched by this will feel guilty in some way. If only I had done that one thing. The truth is that nobody knew how sad my father was. For the past 20 years my father has struggled to get through the day. I cannot imagine the courage it took to get up and face each day living with that pain. I guess he just ran out of hope.

There are days when I hurt so badly that I do not want to live. But I have always resisted the temptation because I would not want to hurt my family.

He's gone

In the end we decided against donating his organs for multiple reasons. This turned out to be the best decision for everybody. I think my people needed to watch him die. We did. We kept him on life support until my Aunt Joann got there. He had to fight to stay alive that long. He was there and he was aware. It was weird/scary/beautiful. He cried. When one of us would start to talk to him about something his breathing would change. Like he would start to sob. When my mom played one of their songs to him he started cried again. It was a beautiful end. i did not know that my brother was horrified about the organ donation. he was tearing himself up about them cutting my father while he was still alive. Yes, we understand what braindeath is butTimmo feels that if he is alive then his spirit is still present. It was killing Tim. When I made the decision to withdraw support I called Tim and asked if he wanted to come back with me. He nearly didn't. But it was so perfect. When we got there they had removed some of the tubes already. He looked so much better. he looked peaceful today.
Tim laid out pictures of Daddy and made everything warm and cozy and special. My broter is a special person.

Let me tell you why Daddy was so peaceful today. Daddy was a non-practicing Catholic. He believed that he was going to hell. When he hung himself he felt that his pain was so great that hell was worth the risk. Poor Daddy. Wel my Aunt jean is an Evangelical Christian and went home last night and researched. She called a few pastors and decided that even suicide must be forgivable. Seh was going to tell him this. On her way back into the room today she bumped into thr other family that had been with us the whole time. it turns out that one of those women is a pastor. She and my aunt went in a prayed over my father. they told him that he was forgiven and he relaxed. It was literally as if a wave washed over him. Jeanie says that God was in that room and gave him peace.

James Timothy White I died on 2/6/2007 surrounded by his friends and family

i'm going to go bed now

Being strong and saying goodbye

It is 444am and I just got home from the hospital. As of now he is still alive. We expect him to become brain dead in the next day or so. At that point his organs will be harvested and then we will get his body and start funeral arrangements. We will most likely have a memorial service and wake all in The Bar. He lived there so he might as well die there too. Ray, the owner, has said The Bar is mine. I can do whatever I want, everything's free. The president of the Pagans has offered his help and services. I will have Pagan bikers acting as "bouncers" for the funeral and wake. That is a huge load off of my shoulders. I suppose I will have to run interfeaarnce between al of the girlfriends and wives. I am making sure Linda is honored as his wife. She was with him for the past 8 years and wears his ring. My mother agrees with this. There is a girlfriend as well who feels "special". I will be kind but I feel that Linda put up with him, she found him, she loved him, she is his wife. I don't know this girlfriend at all.

People are getting upset because I am not breaking down in front of them. They want me to show more emotion, they wnat me to be like them. i'm not that way. i am a private person. I need time and space to think. When i get here, when I was alone with Daddy I cried, I yelled. But as long as there is someone for me to be strong for I will be. They bred me for this and they get upset that i am who I am.

update

I'm heading out to the hospital. My brother and I are goi ng to pull the ventilator when we get there. Pray.

guilt vs. regret

i want to clarify that I do not feel guilty. I do not feel that I am responsible for his actions. I just feel regret that I didn't get to talk to him one more time. It's just a selfish need for connection. Beleive me I know that I could not have done anything for him. I realized that many years ago.

This is a relief in many ways. They say that suicide many times is. He will be at peace soon. The past 16 years have been extra as far as I'm concerned. In 1991 he attempted a murder/suicide. That's what he went to prison for. Once that happened I figured that someday he really would do it. It was just a matter of time.

Death and babies continued

When I found out that I was pregnant with Piglet I called my father to tell him. We had been fighting but I still wanted him to know. When he picked up the phone he said , "Hi, Bitch." I told him the news and then ended the conversation. I did not speak to him again until Christmas, 2 weeks before Piglet was born. I have spoken to him a few times since then but have not seen him since Christmas 2005.

He was angry with me over a truck that I gave him. See, I knew that he needed a truck and I had one that I didn't want or need. I gave him the truck and the title. I thought he had a license. He drove that truck for 2 1/2 years without a license, insurance, tags, anything. Then he got caught. They impounded the truck and since he could not find the title he could not touch anything in it. He had a few thousand dollars worth of tools in it. He wanted, no expected, me to get it out of impound and give it back to him. Since he had never transferred it into his name it was still legally mine. But since we didn't have a copy of the title I couldn't do anything. In order to even see it I was going to have to pay. I was so mad that I didn't do anything. I just left it there.

I was so tired of being emotionally manipulated by him. I was so tired of having to be responsible for him. I have been his keeper for forever.