where did february go?

Wow, my last post about real life was ground hog's day. crap! i lost a whole month. i had to take monkey to the doctor's today. he has been complaining of a tummy ache for nearly a week now. I mean waking up screaming at night with, "i hurt!" I have called the doc twice and tonight she agreed to check him just in case. What the hell is wrong with pediatricians? Are they not the most insufferably patronizing people around? Like I'm too stupid to realize that yes, this is most likely constipation. However i want YOU to make sure I'm not missing something. I'm not some freak with Munchhausen by proxy. I just want my kid to stop screaming.

Oh and get this! They wanted me to fill out a blanket consent form. ya know, just in case both of us are unavailable and they need to treat him for something, blah, blah, steal you rights, blah. um, can you say NO! I crosed out the form and wrote refused consent. If there really is something that dire I'm my mother would be able to handle it. I am not giving some freaking doctor's office the right to do whatever the hell they want to my sons. No way! I can see it now, Oh while we were in there we just gave him every shot we have and put him on adderal. La la la. And the other mother in the office didn't even question the form, didn't even READ it!!!! How could she just sign her rights away? I guess so many people have that doctor knows best complex. Not me.

What a fucking difference 2 weeks makes

I feel like I have been through the wringer. I am beat. Now I got the money fights to go through. And the divying up of his crap. Man, I do not feel like dealing with that. I'm so conflicted about my Aunt's role in all of this. She has helped us out so much but she has also been a complete pain in the ass too. She's a control freak! Ok, I know I lost it. I know that I called her and Linda up and told them they needed to handle the funeral arrangements. But that doesn't mean that I need her to bother Linda for my Dad's stuff. Could you imagine going through the horror of you DH killing himself and then having his family swoop in like vultures? Fuck that. I'm giving Linda time to say goodbye. I can wait to get the things that mean something to me. I still need time as well.

The fund raiser was a bust. Nobody showed up. The plan was to raise at least $4000. I think we might be able to raise $2000. Oh well. That'll pay back the couple of people who helped pay for the funeral and then buy Timmo's ticket and hotel in Arizona.

good quote

A quote I found recently makes me smile, and there's a lot of truth to it: "Three Wise Women would have… Asked directions; Arrived on time; Helped deliver the baby; cleaned the stable; Made a casserole; Brought practical gifts; and There would be peace on Earth."

Hang in there....

Are you kidding me? I know you all mean well but seriously, my Dad HUNG himself. I am laughing about it, a little. I mean I do have a sense of humor.

Aaaaaacccccckkkkk!!!! I don't think I can deal.

Anyway, I cannnot count the number of times I have been told to "Hang in there" or "Hang on" by well wishers this week. I'm not really sure what my point is. I just had to post this to get it off of my chest.

The problem with posting before the thought is finished

What I meant to say was that i have had those days. Remember when i had that bad patch with postpartum depression? I did seek help. i had a therapist this summer. i had to leave him in November because he wasn't taking me seriously. He had just downgraded my condition to mild depression when I was still feeling horribly depressed. He didn't get me. I am looking for a new therapist but I need a very specific doctor. I just haven't felt up to the legwork involved in finding a new shrink.

As for myself, I could not ever kill myself. I know the pain that it would cause my family. My goal in life is to reduce suffering not increase it. One of the ironies of this, and there are many, is that I always resisted suicide because i knew that if I did then my Dad would. I just couldn't be responsible for his death. Well, look. He went and did it without my help. There are a lot of things I have done, good and bad, to please my father. I have kept some major secrets from him to protect him.

Well, now that I don't have to worry about him I am going to face my main demon. Why can i now forgive my family? Is it because I no longer have anything to hide? I would have kept my secrets till my grave in order to spare him pain. He now never has to know what happened to me. That alone brings me peace.

I don't know what to say about my father. i am so mad. Not only at him but at myself. At everything. I am mad at life. i guess he was too. I am angry at him for stealing my boys' grandfather. I am mad at him for not giving me the chance to hear his voice again. I am just plain mad.

The books say that every person touched by this will feel guilty in some way. If only I had done that one thing. The truth is that nobody knew how sad my father was. For the past 20 years my father has struggled to get through the day. I cannot imagine the courage it took to get up and face each day living with that pain. I guess he just ran out of hope.

There are days when I hurt so badly that I do not want to live. But I have always resisted the temptation because I would not want to hurt my family.

He's gone

In the end we decided against donating his organs for multiple reasons. This turned out to be the best decision for everybody. I think my people needed to watch him die. We did. We kept him on life support until my Aunt Joann got there. He had to fight to stay alive that long. He was there and he was aware. It was weird/scary/beautiful. He cried. When one of us would start to talk to him about something his breathing would change. Like he would start to sob. When my mom played one of their songs to him he started cried again. It was a beautiful end. i did not know that my brother was horrified about the organ donation. he was tearing himself up about them cutting my father while he was still alive. Yes, we understand what braindeath is butTimmo feels that if he is alive then his spirit is still present. It was killing Tim. When I made the decision to withdraw support I called Tim and asked if he wanted to come back with me. He nearly didn't. But it was so perfect. When we got there they had removed some of the tubes already. He looked so much better. he looked peaceful today.
Tim laid out pictures of Daddy and made everything warm and cozy and special. My broter is a special person.

Let me tell you why Daddy was so peaceful today. Daddy was a non-practicing Catholic. He believed that he was going to hell. When he hung himself he felt that his pain was so great that hell was worth the risk. Poor Daddy. Wel my Aunt jean is an Evangelical Christian and went home last night and researched. She called a few pastors and decided that even suicide must be forgivable. Seh was going to tell him this. On her way back into the room today she bumped into thr other family that had been with us the whole time. it turns out that one of those women is a pastor. She and my aunt went in a prayed over my father. they told him that he was forgiven and he relaxed. It was literally as if a wave washed over him. Jeanie says that God was in that room and gave him peace.

James Timothy White I died on 2/6/2007 surrounded by his friends and family

i'm going to go bed now

Being strong and saying goodbye

It is 444am and I just got home from the hospital. As of now he is still alive. We expect him to become brain dead in the next day or so. At that point his organs will be harvested and then we will get his body and start funeral arrangements. We will most likely have a memorial service and wake all in The Bar. He lived there so he might as well die there too. Ray, the owner, has said The Bar is mine. I can do whatever I want, everything's free. The president of the Pagans has offered his help and services. I will have Pagan bikers acting as "bouncers" for the funeral and wake. That is a huge load off of my shoulders. I suppose I will have to run interfeaarnce between al of the girlfriends and wives. I am making sure Linda is honored as his wife. She was with him for the past 8 years and wears his ring. My mother agrees with this. There is a girlfriend as well who feels "special". I will be kind but I feel that Linda put up with him, she found him, she loved him, she is his wife. I don't know this girlfriend at all.

People are getting upset because I am not breaking down in front of them. They want me to show more emotion, they wnat me to be like them. i'm not that way. i am a private person. I need time and space to think. When i get here, when I was alone with Daddy I cried, I yelled. But as long as there is someone for me to be strong for I will be. They bred me for this and they get upset that i am who I am.

update

I'm heading out to the hospital. My brother and I are goi ng to pull the ventilator when we get there. Pray.

guilt vs. regret

i want to clarify that I do not feel guilty. I do not feel that I am responsible for his actions. I just feel regret that I didn't get to talk to him one more time. It's just a selfish need for connection. Beleive me I know that I could not have done anything for him. I realized that many years ago.

This is a relief in many ways. They say that suicide many times is. He will be at peace soon. The past 16 years have been extra as far as I'm concerned. In 1991 he attempted a murder/suicide. That's what he went to prison for. Once that happened I figured that someday he really would do it. It was just a matter of time.

Death and babies continued

When I found out that I was pregnant with Piglet I called my father to tell him. We had been fighting but I still wanted him to know. When he picked up the phone he said , "Hi, Bitch." I told him the news and then ended the conversation. I did not speak to him again until Christmas, 2 weeks before Piglet was born. I have spoken to him a few times since then but have not seen him since Christmas 2005.

He was angry with me over a truck that I gave him. See, I knew that he needed a truck and I had one that I didn't want or need. I gave him the truck and the title. I thought he had a license. He drove that truck for 2 1/2 years without a license, insurance, tags, anything. Then he got caught. They impounded the truck and since he could not find the title he could not touch anything in it. He had a few thousand dollars worth of tools in it. He wanted, no expected, me to get it out of impound and give it back to him. Since he had never transferred it into his name it was still legally mine. But since we didn't have a copy of the title I couldn't do anything. In order to even see it I was going to have to pay. I was so mad that I didn't do anything. I just left it there.

I was so tired of being emotionally manipulated by him. I was so tired of having to be responsible for him. I have been his keeper for forever.

Death and babies

I woke up this morning to my babie nursing. For one small second it felt like a normal morning. The sun is shining, I was holding my baby and all is right with the world. Then it came back to me. This child, this baby will never meet his grandfather. He will never even feel the touch of his grandfather. And that folks is my fault. I have had plenty of oppurtunity to visit my father over the past year. I put it off andput it off until there was no more time. Yes, he could ave visited me too.

The details

Just so you know, this is not a big surprise. I am not shocked. This was an eventuality that finally arrived. My father has been promising to kill himself since I was in diapers. My Dad has been seriously mentally ill for a long, long time.

Linda, his fiance, came home from the store and found my Dad hanging from the kitchen doorway. She cut him down and cut the rope from his neck. She called 911 and they walked her through CPR. When the paramedics got there they had to shock him to get his heart started again. He left a note. It read, "I love you all. I'm sorry. Don't revive me." They took him to the hospital and started interrogating her.

We found out by accident. A neighbor saw the commotion and went over and talked to one of the EMT's. He called a friend who happened to live next to my Grandfather (maternal) who then called my Mother. I was calling her to joke about her Super Bowl party when I found out.

I called my step-sister, Stacey who works at Christiana to see if she knew anything. At this point we didn't know if he was alive or not. He was not in the system at the hospital yet so we had no information. I hear Linda thought he was dead. She never made it to the hospital.

They think he was hanging for 15 minutes. But I guess that was long enough. He did not break his neck but he has a lot of greyed out spots on his brain. The resident says that the CAT scan tomorrow will most likely show even more extensive damage.

Right now he is over breathing the ventilator. Meaning he is on a vent but still breathing on his own some. But he cannot protect his airway. Meaning he cannot clear his throat. If we remove him from the vent he will eventually die from accumulated fluids in his throat. Ah, irony. I finally get irony. Irony sucks. My brother died from an accumulation of fluids in his esophagus. My Dad was depressed about my brother's birthday which he thought was today. He was off by a month. Ryan's birthday was last month on the 4th.

I stayed at the hospital until 12 am waiting to talk to the neurosurgeon. Timmo sent me home to my babies. My brother, Tim, is staying at the hospital. I don't think he is going to leave until my father does.

For now we have him listed as a DNR1. If he codes again we do not want him resuscitated. So now we wait.

Suicide is painless for who?

The person? Their family? The nurses and doctors?

And what happens if you don't die you stupid motherfucker! Do you burden your kids with the task of finishing the job for you? What the FUCK!?

My dad committed suicide. Yesterday. No, he's not dead yet but he will be soon. I got to touch my dad's warm flesh one more time before he goes. At least he gave me that. I didn't have to touch him cold. Yet. In the next couple of days my brother and I will have to make the decision to take him off of the ventilator. I want to wait for my Aunt Joann to come home. I want to give her the chance to say goodbye.

He's not braindead. Right now he has brain stem activity. Meaning he is breathing a little on his own and has a little gag reflex. Other than that, nothing. I just watched a nurse rub my dad's cornea with a paper towel and his didn't even twitch. There's nothing there.

I am angry and sad and regretful. Everyone says not to blame myself but I do in a very small part.

It's Groundhog Day!

Hooray! The silliest holiday of the year. We plan to celebrate by going up to the field and looking in the groundhog hole. I doubt we'll see him. I hear that they drag Punxatawney Phil out of his hole.