responsibility

I am so freaking tired of people not taking any damned responsibility for themselves! I am into homebirth. But when you opt to have a homebirth you have to give up some things too. You have to give up the convenience of eating poorly, you can't rely on somebody else advice anymore. You are taking the responsibility on yourself. One of the reasons that homebirth is so safe is that the women who homebirth are more educated (about birth and in general) and are healthier. We live a healthier lifestyle. Now anybody who looks at me can see that I am fat. I am obviously not perfect. But I try my darnedest. I eat mostly veggies and protein. I am not out eating McDonald's every night. I could work out more but I digress. When I was pregnant I educated myself on what exactly I needed to eat in order to be the healthiest I could be. When my sugar looked funky I immediately cut out ALL sugar. I took my midwife's advice but I also did the research myself. I wasn't relying on her as my sole source of information. She was just one piece of the puzzle. She was one reference. I bought over 20 books. And read them over and over. I know more about birth than some OB's. Heck, who am I kidding, MOST. No I can't give a c-section or an episiotomy but I could deliver my own baby or yours if need be.

What really makes me mad are women who want to have it all. They want to be typical lazy Americans who don't eat well, exercise or follow doctor's orders but at the same time they want to have a homebirth. When you do that you are not just putting yourself at risk you are putting the entire institution of midwifery at risk. You are risking my next homebirth, and your midwife's career - not to mention her freedom. Either you take the responsibility on yourself or you submit to the doctor. You can't have it both ways.

One year ago today...

I was in labor. I was in hour 19 of what turned out to be a 36 hour long labor. I was sooooooo tired that I got in my nifty birth tub and slept between contractions. I can't beleive my baby will be one tomorrow. I can't beleive I had a homebirth 1 year ago!

Having Piglet at home fixed a lot of the broken places inside of me. I had to take responsibility for myself. I did it all on my own. Sure my midwives were here for the end and thank goodness for that. But doing that, laboring alone, in my space made me own it. I never felt like somebody should be doing something to me or for me. I have drawn a lot of strength from homebirth. I will never forget the feeling of my baby coming through me.

Thank you Kate, Merle and Rachel for being my midwives. Thank you for supporting me and being my circle of women. Thank you Monkey for making me laugh and for singing through the contractions with me. Thank you HunnyBunny for trusting me to do this and for all of the trips to the HFS. And most of all, Thank you Piglet for letting me be your momma and coming out so easily.

Birthing From Within Rocks!

I just got home from my childbirth class. Most people think it's strange that I have an 18 month old and am going to a childbirth class. But even though I have a son and went through pregnancy I never gave birth. That experience was stolen from me.

I go through these classes and try to be quiet. I know a lot of what's being taught from my research. I'm there for the pain coping techniques and the emotional work.

Tonight HunnyBunny cried. We were asked what we were afraid of in birth. What was the one thing that is bothering us. His was, initially, a fear of me having to go to the hospital and losing control of the situation. But as the instructor was guiding us through a meditation on it his fear changed or rather grew. It went from me having to have another c-section to me dying on the table. His greatest fear was losing me. He had this whole emotional breakthrough in class.

What I really like about the class is that most things would only take you that far. Her next step was to take us past that moment. Ok. We survived our worst fear, what now? How do you deal? She had us picture what we were doing to deal with the situation. I've never done that before. As much as I worry I always hit that wall of what if. I've never peaked around the corner to see what's on the other side. Why didn't I think of that? That simple exercise evaporated the fear that I had. Now I can see myself, happy, on the other side so it doesn't matter.