The kitchen, it sparkles...

Well, kinda. I spent the entire day cleaning the kitchen. I'm not even sure how it happened. I went in to do the dishes after breakfast and decided I was fed up with looking at the dirty ceiling fans. It just took on a life of it's own from there. Oliver helped for a while, drawing pictures on the walls and then wiping them off. It could still use a thorough wiping of the insides of the cabinets and some of the walls still need washing but for the most part my kitchen is clean. Time to relax and rest for the rest of the day.

Yet another successful birthday

We celebrate birthdays a bit differently in my house. Normally the boy in question gets his pick of restaurant and then a visit to the toy store. There is no opening of gifts or cake, unless that's what he asked for. This year the boys agreed to share their birthdays.

Today is Ollie's birthday. Can't believe it's been 5 years already. He decided he wanted Nate to join us for lunch and that he wanted to share his birthday money. He just couldn't see him getting toys and Nate getting nothing. Wow, don't I have awesome kids? Nate has promised to do the same when it comes time for his birthday.

We ended up going to Friendly's (so not worth the money!) and then to Toys R Us. The spent about a half hour perusing the dollar toy section. They ended up getting 5 things from there and then we walked around the rest of the store. Ollie quickly settled on a MegaBloks castle set. It had 4 dragons, 6 knights, 2 castles, 2 catapults and a ton of other accessories. It took me a bit to get it all put together but they have been playing with it for hours now. The battle is raging all over the house. And they haven't even fought today. Hooray for birthdays!

Gonna sing tonight

It's been nearly a month since I sang karaoke. For a while there I was singing 4-5 times a week. Tonight I am going to meet some friends at the bar and sing. Hooray for a night out. Well, that's the plan at least. I find that without a compelling reason to go, I get lazy and decide to just stay in. I guess we'll see at 9 if I feel motivated enough to put down the video game and drive out to the bar.

Eta: I did end up going out. Even got a wee bit dressed up. It's just not the same anymore. Not many of my friends go and the bar scene just isn't as fun when you're broke. I sang a few songs, hung out with some friends, helped a friend pick up some guy, and then came home to my honey. My songs were all very different last night. One country, one eighties pop, and one rap-metal. As the DJ always says, embrace the schizophrenia!

I googled myself

Titter. That just sounds dirty. I know, I'm juvenile.

But seriously, I searched on my default username today and found my blog. It has been ages since I even thought about it. Funny how I never stop talking but never seem to find the time to write. I found a new message board the other day. A friend of mine had pointed it out in a look-what-bitches-they-are! sorta way. I find it an interesting read at least. Don't know if I'll post much however. I'm way too sensitive to snark, unfortunately. I'm still the little girl who wants everyone to like her. Rarely happens. I mean people like me, they tend to confide in me, but in the long run I'm just a bit too off for most.

Poetry as I wake

Nathan woke me with poetry this morning.

Blueberries are blue,
Strawberries are red,
I love you more than all those berries.

I love you
I love you more
I love you one hundred forty four

I love my sweet baby!

I did it. I sang in public.

Tonight was one of the best nights ever. I went to open mic night at Downey's on South St and absolutely rocked. Saturday night, at work, we were hanging out bullshitting with some customers after hours. Well this guy and I got to talking about singing. I mentioned that I sing. So he had me sing a song for him. I did and he said I *had* to come to this open mic on Monday. So that gave me all of 1 day to prepare. I was scared to death.

This afternoon I got so nervous that I decided not to go. I had some friends talk me into going and my brother went with me for support. I did a duet with my buddy Cash, which wasn't so hot in my opinion. Then I had my own set. I had no music. I don't play guitar and Cash doesn't know any of my songs. So I did it a cappella. I planned to do one or two songs and then stop since I didn't have backup. But after the second they wanted more. Can you beleive it? They really liked me. So I ended up singing four. The first three lent themselves well to a cappella but the last, not so much. Either way though my voice was great. My bro said it took real balls to get up there with no music. I left with the card for an agent and a date for some studio time to sing backup vocals for one of the other performers.

Felt boards and chicken noodle soup

Last night the boys refused to go to sleep. No way! Finally, around midnight the younger one dropped off and a half hour later so did the older one. Which led to them waking at 11 am this morning. It's been a long grumpy day. The boys were throwing tantrums left and right. Fighting with each other and me. I set them up with a new movie and made them some chicken noodle soup. That settled them down a little. Then Oliver and I worked on creating a felt board. I cut pieces out as he asked for them. We made 2 people, a tree, apples, clouds, a sun, grass, and a car. They played with that for a good hour. Now the day is winding down and I am out of energy.

Karaoke

HAve I ever told you how much I love karaoke? Really? Well, guess what? I lurve it! I get to play rock star one night a week at the bar. It's so much fun! Tonight I had requests even. Woot! I get to act up, be silly, and sing the songs that I love. Now I understand why my Dad loved it so much. I wish I had my liscence back then so I could've gone more often.

Totally Tuesday

This morning the boys didn't wake up until after 10. It might have something to do with staying up till 11:30. I don't know? What do you think? I went to bed early and my DH stayed up with them.

Today we planned on going to Ikea to get the table and chairs that are one sale. We woke up so late that I decided to stay home instead. I would hate to drive all the way there and for them to be out.

So far, the boys have watched some cartoons, they were amazing about taking turns picking shows. I cleaned the walls and baseboards in the kitchen while Oller played horsy on my back. We've also played legos and candyland. They've created a new game where one of them gets into the lego bucket and the other fills it with legos and cooks them ala Bugs Bunny. While they were doing those things I managed to finish painting Oller's chair and the door frame and get started on the stairs. After that we came upstairs for a snack of crackers and kid painting. I covered the kitchen table in paper, gave them paint, and away they went. Oh, and we had a visitor today. Paco, the neighbors dog came inside for a visit with Butterfly (our dog). They are best doggy friends.

Now they are watching a movie in their room and jsut hanging out in the loft bed.

Homeschooling Journey

So now that Nathan is old enough for Pre-K I suppose we are actually homeschooling. Sure he doesn't need to go to school for another 2 years but, all of the kids his age are in school. I don't know another 4 year old who is not in some sort of school unless he's homeschooled.

We started going to the homeschooling park days on Tuesdays and Fridays. Both boys love it. Those mornings they bounce out of bed! I've been reading tons of books and their advice is to go with what your kid's interested in. Well Nate seems to be interested in Wii, numbers, and zombies. I should try to make up a unit study on zombies.

So far today we made popcorn, bounced balloons, stuck ballons to the wall with static electricity, and watched some cartoons. Later on we will paint, sweep, mop and wipe down the kitchen. I'm sure Nathan will fit in some Wii and Oliver will swing some.

Oh and last night we made a little hammock for them that sits underneath their loft bed. It's only 5 inches off of the floor. They love it!

Blog? What blog?

I think I spend more time apologizing for not posting than actually posting. See the problem is that I am a lurker at heart. I read other blogs, read my flylady list, read on a few different boards and lists but I rarely post. I'm a little bit shy when it comes to the written word. Get me in person and I'll talk your head off. Ya can't get me to shut up. Just try walking away, I'll follow you.

And honestly it's not like my life is very exciting. I stay at home all day trying to convince my children that wearing clothes is normal. That will not hurt you but I might if you answer the door one more time naked. I chase the dog around trying to convince it to do it's business outside. Darn puppies. And I attempt to clean a little.

My latest success is that I finally convinced the boys to eat food in the kitchen. My kids constantly sneak food into the living room and even upstairs. Well, after we got back from vacation I started enforcing the heck out of the food rule. Voila! It's working. I can't say what did the trick because I have tried enforcing the rule before and all I got for my efforts were food strikes. But suddenly my oys leave their food in the kitchen and run back and frth for bites. It's a little progress at least.

Life is good, I'm still here and I wonder if anybody still checks this at all.

Enough already! I'm sick and tired of dead people

Gah! Stupid people keep dying. I hate it. I swear, I am so never speaking again to the next person who dies. Or something like that. Seriously. Quit it already wontcha people? And how the heck do I keep outliving poeple? i mean, i've been seriously freaking depressed since i was a toddler. I'm still here. (and no plans of going anywhere, EVER.) I'm gonna be Peter Pan, a vampire, a Jehovah's witness. Tee hee. I guess I stay here out of sheer stubborness. Dammit, but it's so hard to watch your friends and family give up. So hard to see someone with such beauty and potential quit this life.

Fuck suicide, fuck dead people. Fuck people who don't like the word, "fuck!"

how the heck is it the 13th already

I just keep losing days. I don't know where they go. Is there some elf who comes in during my sleep and steals Tuesdays? Somehow tomorrow is Thursday and I don't know where the week went. Ack! Maybe if I had a routine, any routine, I'd feel more grounded. For now I feel like the days are slipping through my hands and i am just trying to keep up. Remember holding on to the parachute in gym class and runnning as fast as you could until kids started flying off? That's what I feel like right now. Slow down life!

Ack! I work at a bowling alley!

Ugh! My mom finally did it. She got me into the bowling alley after 20 years of resistance on my part. I don't even bowl. I have always HATED it. Mainly because it is a passion of my stepfather's. Ok, so I'm a little ODD. Opposisitional that is, well, I am odd too. The strange this is that I love it. Eh, I still am not crazy about bowling but I love having fun. I love playing with the crazy cast of characters that revolve around that place. I love getting out of the house and then coming home at 5 am to nurse my baby as he wakes. How cool is it that I am getting paid to hang out at a bar every friday and saturday night.

You girls out Havertown way should come by some weekend and see me! Wynnewood Lanes on Haverford Road.

I did it

I finally filed some of the paperwork from my Dad's death and funeral. It has been sitting in the bag from the funeral home, on a shelf for nearly a year now. It hurt everytime I looked at that bag. So tonight while I sit here being insomniac girl I decided to clean my office. A weight has been lifted off of me. I don't have to see that everytime I go to sew now.

WW_D?

So I have this little button that says, "What would Buddha do?" It's a cute little twist on the WWJD bracelets. I wear it sometimes half as a joke and half as a reminder. One day, not too long ago, I was having a rotten day. My son had peed on the floor for the fourth time that day. My other son had dumped an entire can of cashews on the floor and was rolling in it and I was in absolute meltdown. My dear husband thinks he has the answer. He says with a sarcastic tone, "What would Buddha do, Honey?" He thought he had nailed me; that these words of wisdom would flow down on me and soothe my angry beast. He must not know much of the Buddha story. I turned and said, "He'd abandon his family and go live in the woods somewhere, do not tempt me!" He hasn't tried that line again.

Do I even exist anymore?

Or have I been reduced to nothing more than a set of boobs. Sometimes I wonder. I don't seem to do anything other than nurse a toddler all day. Special days come and go without a card or a gift. For example, the 4 year anniversary of quitting smoking, my 9 year wedding anniversary, my 31st birthday. Hell, at this point I'd settle for an e-card. Something.

UU and the Working Class

I just finished reading a great article on how class relates to UU. But having been written by a professional it seems to miss the point. It's a start though.

I am UU. Unitarian Universalist that is. And I am very much working class. I find that being both of those things is such a struggle. How can I honor my place in the world and still go to a church every Sunday that feels I need to be improved. I mean sure, I am welcomed. They'll have me but do they really want me. Do these professionals really want their children to see that you can be happy without a college education. Blasphemy!

The college educated always seem to think that the rest of us want to be just like them. I fear not. I've lived on both sides of the tracks. I was born in New Castle, DE to a plumber and a waitress. They both sold drugs to make ends meet and my mom did them in order to stay awake for her graveyard shifts. I was supposed to be the "one". The one who was good, the one who stayed off of drugs, the one who went to college and the one who got a career rather than a job. All of this was pounded into my head before kindergarten even began. My goal in life was college. I had to go. There was no other option. I was a stressed out, straight-A, train wreck of a kid. That kid who freaked about every test and then got 100's. My life was pointed straight towards college. To further that end, my Mom left my Dad at some point and moved to Havertown, PA to live amongst the middle class. The Main Line. The only main line I had ever heard of had to do with heroin. She lauded the schools, had me choose between my father and her. Pointed out the pros and cons of the two school systems. I would never get into a good school with a Delaware education. I needed to move to Pennsylvania. It was so clear. So I left my home and moved to a strange land. Being low class and living side by side with "rich kids" does something to your self esteem. I went from being top of the class to mediocre. I went from normal to poor. My situation hadn't changed any. We had just as much money as we always had. It's just that my perspective changed. Suddenly I had to compete with the sons of doctors and lawyers. Suddenly my clothes and hair and shoes were not good enough, could never be good enough. It destroyed me.

I never did end up going to college. Kids like me didn't go to college. In Delaware all of the kids were like me. Some made it and some didn't. In Pennsylvania, only the rare few of us working class kids made it out. Instead I took a few years off and then joined the Air Force when it became clear to me that 19 year old cashiers don't get very much in this world. There I became a computer programmer. I have the equivalence of a degree in IT. That's fine for jobs but when it comes down to it, I never went to college and I will always be less in some peoples eyes because of it.

I have straddled the class fence for 20 years. I have never fit in either category. So where does that leave me. I am not a professional. I personally love waitressing. Love it. My mom did too and now she loves bartending. Does that make us less than someone who loves engineering? Does that make me any less liberal religiously? I know plenty of people who could be served by a liberal religion. Who could be UU if UU was more about the spirit and less about liberal politics couched as religion. I think UU needs to look long and hard at itself and see if it is speaking to a universal condition or just an upper class one.

Blog? What's a blog?

My goodness! Has it really been nearly 3 months? Where have I been? All over. We joined the pool again this year. The major difference between this year and last is my license. That's right, I can drive. And, boy, do I drive. I have not been home since the day I got it. I've driven to Ohio twice this summer. I put money down on a house only to back out after inspections. Oliver is talking and Nathan has a best friend. The boys have blossomed socially at the pool. They have confidence that they didn't have before. I've found a forum that feels like home, drama and all. All in all, Life is good.

So i have been notified that I am not poasting ofeten enough. I haven't. It seems that since my dad died I've just been getting by. I'm living in a constant state of reaction. Things are settling a little. It's just that busy time of yeatr. I'm going to the shrink, have those silly parenting classes, church, swim lessons. Argh! There's not enough time in the day.

So for 3 weeks I had this guy here doing work on the house for me. What a mistake!!!!! Not only does he do horrible work but it turns out that he's a heroin addict! For Pete's sake! I guess that explains why he did beautiful work the first day (broke) but got sloppier as time went on(had money/drugs) i feel liek an idiot.